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“Take My Ovaries. Please”
Vicodin, stool softeners, and paper underwear make everything fun.
Receptionist: Name?
Me: Catherine Durkin Robinson
Receptionist: Can you tell me why you’re here today?
Me: I’m getting rid of things that no longer serve me. That includes patchouli oil, loving-kindness, and ovaries.
Me: I’m concerned about this hospital.
Partner: Because there’s a crucifix in every room?
Me: No, because two nurses asked if I felt “nauseous.”
Partner: What did you say?
Me: I told them they mean, “nauseated.”
Anesthesiologist: This is going to make you comfortable.
Me: “Telling you my childhood nickname” comfortable or “Dancing on the tables” comfortable?
Doc: Any questions?
Me: Yeah. I lost three pounds when they removed my uterus and fallopian tubes. How much do ovaries weigh?
Anesthesiologist: Ever been intubated before? Your throat might feel funny for a day or two after…
Me: I was a Catholic girl in the 80s. My throat’s seen worse.
Me: A city is not officially home until I undergo major surgery. I got several body parts removed in…