Talking animal movies need to stop
When will Hollywood learn?
Talking animal films are about as enjoyable as undergoing a colonoscopy.
When I was unlucky enough to be presented with the trailer for Hollywood’s latest canine-addled live action comedy, Strays, my immediate thoughts were “For the love of god… not ANOTHER one.”
Don’t get me wrong — not all films which give a voice to real, living animals have been a pile of feces. Up until the turn of the 21st century, non-animated films which featured animals as the protagonists were reasonably endearing (Babe, Homeward Bound, Charlotte’s Web — you’re all excused).
2001 was where it all went wrong. Studios got too cocky with advancing CGI capabilities and decided to combine two things that should never be spoken of in the same sentence let alone put in a film together — talking animals and spy espionages. Yes, the monstrosity that is Cats & Dogs.
Unfortunately, it was a box office success, with the film grossing over $200m worldwide (why did you have to encourage them?!?!). I guess at the time it was the first of its kind, and a comedy which featured ‘real’ talking animals as opposed to animated animals was rare.
But this set the ball rolling for Hollywood to churn out further live action family features unapologetically anthropomorphising every species they could get their hands on; marsupials got demeaned in Kangaroo Jack (2003), dignity was lost for zebras in Racing Stripes (2005) and even Guinea Pigs got turned into spies in G-Force (2009).
The bottom line is… these films are simply bad. The creativity is there, but IMO they just aren’t believable.
If I’m to get into the psychological nitty-gritty of it: unlike completely digitally animated subjects such as Donkey in Shrek and Puss in Boots, when actual living animals are used it’s harder to anthropomorphise them as effectively. Their facial expressions stay static and don’t change with what they’re saying, whereas with animated animals they can frown, raise their eyebrows etc so they’re easier to relate to.
Also, the more authentic they try to make these films, the more they can fall on their ass. This is because the films begin to take themselves too seriously, and this is a fragile game when it comes to producing a comedy. Also, giving animal characters abilities that the majority of humans don’t possess (such as being able to perform Mission Impossible-style acrobatics) before they’re even able to talk realistically is embarrassing. And some of the lines these poor CGI-manipulated creatures have to recite — e.g. “I work hard, bring home the Meow Mix” — are just undignified.
After Racing Stripes, the problem only got worse. Dogs in particular seem to be hated by Hollywood, as they’ve been made the subject of entertainment in multiple abominations such as Underdog, Beverly Hills Chihuahua and Marmaduke (to name a few). You think they would’ve learned by now that movies about dogs that can surf won’t be taking home Oscars anytime soon.
But the studios responsible for these types of films are big players such as Warner Bros and Disney — and they know their target audiences well:
- Those who will reluctantly take their children or young family members to see these films
- Adults who actually believe that this shit is funny
Hint: it’s the second target audience who are the problem!
Yes, both audiences inspire studios to make these films, but really the second group should know better.
And this is where I return to Strays, the upcoming R-rated comedy featuring Will Ferrell and Jamie Foxx as talking dogs. Up until now, the dire state of talking animal films could have been excused through the fact they are ‘family’ films and thus they don’t need to be award-worthy, just entertaining for kids.
But now, here’s a film which isn’t family-friendly at all — incorporating cursing, drug use and adult humour at every turn, it’s clearly for an older, more critically-minded audience. Now there is no excuse.
If Strays turns out to be as cringe-worthy and unfunny as 99% of talking animal comedies when it’s released in a few days, Universal Pictures will have a lot to answer for. If it performs well at the box office, you can bet we will see many more diarrhoea-inducing talking animal movies aimed at all demographics shitting over our screens in the coming years.
And here’s the kicker… it will perform well. Because we live in a world where for some reason, people enjoy talking animal films.
One ticket to Mars, please.
