STATESMANSHIP

Talking Points for Convincing the Greenlanders

Roll with it

Proof of concept. (Photo by author.)

Why should Greenland be absorbed into the United States? It’s not complicated. We have the toughest and mightiest paper towels. We are the undisputed paper towel superpower.

Greenland is pretty much all snow, right? Snow with glaciers on top. And more snow on top of the glaciers.

For the people living there, every time you come inside, you’re tracking in snow. It falls off your boots and puddles on the floor. That’s going to wreak havoc on your flooring, unless you wipe it up right away.

And what do you absolutely have to have to wipe it up? Paper towels. There is no better or more effective solution.

Let me remind you that Greenland is not exactly known for an abundance of trees. But guess where paper towels come from?

And another thing: the glaciers are melting. Fast. Making a big soggy mess. You’re going to need even more paper towels. A lot more, in a very short period of time.

What’s in it for Greenland to be soaked up by the United States?

Every year, America produces over a million tons of paper towels. You know how many rolls are in a ton? A lot. Put it this way: a million tons is enough paper towels to cover…