Texas Attorney General Sues Everyone, Everywhere, All at Once
“It would be funny if it were true,” he said to no one.
Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton filed a series of lawsuits today in an Amarillo, Texas court. The marathon session of filing suit after suit took place over 18 hours, where Mr. Paxton and his staff filed almost eight billion lawsuits suing every person, every corporation, every government, and every sentient species on the planet. “I’ll probably lose the dolphin vote, but I don’t care,” he told a source who spoke on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the matter.
Every person in every country on every continent will be served with court papers in the next few months, and so will the legal representatives of the businesses and institutions named in the suits. “As a Republican, I believe in small government, but I also have to defend the laws of this great country… I mean… state,” Mr. Paxton said. “Someone, somewhere, at some time, is violating a Texas law, and we will make sure they comply,” he added.
When asked about the chances of succeeding in his efforts, Mr. Paxton pointed out that this staff “carefully shopped around for amicable judges, and believe we’ve found the right ones for these lawsuits up in Amarillo.” He added, “If God doesn’t like it, then it’s illegal in Texas…
