Double-Barreled Gratitude
Thank You for Not Shooting
Let us prey
Please bow your heads and don’t look.
O Lord, we give thanks to millions of our fellow Americans for not shooting. Because of them, most of us in this great, great nation are still alive.
We pray for the wise men in power who look so sad after each school shooting as they tell us, “Now is not the time…” God give them strength in their busy schedules to find the time.
For Armalite and Kalashnikov, whose products in all their innocence redefine the Second Amendment, we pray.
Let us rejoice in the restraint of women, who committed only 2 percent of mass shootings.
We humbly give our thanks for the fact that the number of mass shootings so far in 2023 only exceeds the number of days in the year by a small amount, like six or seven percent.
Praise be to our great leaders in high office for steadfastly refusing to define what constitutes a mass shooting, so that nobody can agree on an accurate count. Lord, that information is too scary for the masses who keep getting shot.
We pray for the masses to hide and be quiet whenever armed mobs decide to paint the town red, especially while storming state and federal legislatures.
Congress, we thank you for your decades of de-funding scientific studies after too many of them showed that keeping a gun in the home increases the homicide risk. Science is just another opinion for which we are also grateful.
Hosannas to the NRA. Thanks be to you for the 92 percent drop in CDC funding for firearm injury prevention. That’s money that can be spent on the Benghazi problem. And on Hunter Biden’s extremely dangerous laptop.
We are grateful to Tucker Carlson, God rest his voice, for explaining to us that the evil majority’s gay agenda is why mass shootings happen.
We thank the ammosexuals for their gunsplaining and their sense of humor about penis size.
We give our gratitude to militias for not opening fire whenever someone dresses in black. It could be Antifa, but is probably just another parent going to a funeral.
T&P, America. Amen.
Karen L. Sullivan writes satire in between other projects. Her work is published in The Belladonna, The Haven, Rainshadow Journal, Stonecoast Review, and several sailing magazines.
