That’s The Pill I Take When I Go To Visit My Sister

I love reading “birth order” theories. Experts say the firstborn will be a leader, responsible, focused, and in control. The middle child will be the peacekeeper and people pleaser always looking for compromise. And, the youngest, which I am, will go from being a creative and fun-loving child to become a self-centered, narcissistic asshole as an adult.

By the way, that description of the youngest was written by my sister, let’s call her “Kay,” who is the oldest. As I always told my parents, “God had the good sense to place my two brothers between us so no one died.”

According to, birth order experts here are my personality traits accompanied by my assessment of their validity:

Fun-loving: Have you seen the “Farting Preacher” on YouTube? LMAO!

Uncomplicated: Hmm… Just don’t ask my ex, my husband, or my new husband.

Manipulative: Gee, thanks for trying to understand me … (starts to cry)

Outgoing: Got two TSA agents to sing the “Fig Newton” commercial song, from circa 1974, twice. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UyI3IL46yq4)

Attention seeker: See above.

Self-centered: I’m sorry. What we’re you saying?

While growing up in cookie-cutter suburbia, super smart, responsible, older-than-her-years sister, Kay, doted on me. I’m eight years younger so until I hit puberty posed her no threat.

But, by 13, Kay, now in her 20’s, saw every leniency my parents gave me as a double standard. “I never did that when I was your age” I’d hear when I got to wear a bikini, stay out late, get my ears pierced, go on a date.

My parents allowed me these perks because 1) They’d learned by child #4 what will and will not kill you. 2) I was the scrawny, mousy-brown-haired polar opposite of my “Atomic Blonde” built like a Brick S*%t House sister who chased boys to the point of flunking out of college. And, finally, 3) They were now very, very tired.

Somewhere in her 30’s Kay decided to hate me. Okay, let’s change that to “dislike” since my Mom hated the word hate, “Hate is such a strong word.”

Now in my 20’s, I was having the time of my life. I had a dream job doing sketch comedy and getting acting gigs. I had a great group of friends…and I, unlike Kay, was thin.

Yes, I had the audacity to like staying in shape something my sister was slowly and sadly losing interest in doing. Kay’s rocky relationship with her live-in was getting rockier, she hated her job and she was eating her way through it all.

But, why did she take it out on me?

Kay was then, and still is, a “Grass is always greener” kind of person. She never missed a shot off the bow to let me know how lucky I was. Never a comment about my hard work… only constant comparisons to her lesser fortunes — as self-imposed as they were.

This pattern got to be pretty old. I longed for the days when she was a straight A student and teen model and I was a gangly grade-schooler with braces, glasses, and stringy hair. She liked me a lot better then.

Over the years I learned to expect Kay’s notions of my “grand life” and let them roll over me. It wasn’t until my father passed away suddenly and we were in the car after his funeral that she unleashed a pent-up tirade that explained it all.

I learned that day that she tells everyone how “self-centered” I am, how I only traveled to my parents to be the “entertainment,” that I manipulated her to avoid helping take care of our parents, and on and on.

According to Kay, I am the poster child for the birth order youngest child.

I refrained from telling her that she is the poster child for a Stephen King novel.

My father’s death sent me down a black hole for quite some time. I was on anti-depressants and tranquilizers for months. But, as I weaned off my grief and my meds I had an “Ah-Hah” moment about my sister.

I was with some actress friends meeting a director for our new stage comedy, “The Hungry & Horny Show.” One of the gals got a blinding headache and asked if anyone had an aspirin. I pulled out my “Pharmacy Purse Pal,” emptied its contents into my hand, and watched our new director shriek in horror, “What is all that?” (I didn’t know at the time that she was sober from an alcohol and drug addiction.)

So, not knowing that, I calmly stated “the little blue pills are Alleve which I take after the gym if I’m sore. Those pink & white caps are my anti-depressants — THANK YOU JESUS! Oh, and those whopping white puppies are Excedrin — probably best for your headache since they’ve got caffeine. These tiny white ones are Ambien — I am such an insomniac. They make me sleepwalk… and cook dinner at 2 a.m. I know it sounds scary, but it is so great to wake up the next day and have dinner made…even if the gas stove is still lit!”

That’s when our new director, mouth aghast, asked, “What in God’s name is that?

“Oh, that giant orange one? That’s my fave! That’s the pill I take when I go to visit my sister!!”

Everyone laughed, even me. That’s when I realized I was turning a corner back to humor and… sanity.

I was determined to hold on to that last orange pill. I planned to never take it…even when I did go to visit my sister.

That neon orange life vest is really meant for emergencies…and as much as my sister, let’s call her “Kay,” makes me crazy… it’s never an emergency.

At its worst, it’s a time to remember my beloved Mother reminding me that, “Hate is a strong word.”

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