The 2020 Poll Workers Handbook
So you’ve decided to risk your life for democracy. What comes next?
Congratulations! You have passed all three screening questions and are on your way to strengthening democracy by becoming a poll worker! Whether you misunderstood the job title, or applied on purpose we are so glad you are here. Historically, the average age for poll workers has been 61 which has created a massive shortage due to concerns about COVID-19. By bravely volunteering to man the front lines of your overcrowded polling location, you are protecting both the elderly, and our active participation in government.
Below is a quick guide to make sure your first day as a poll worker runs smoothly and every vote is counted. For the sake of brevity, we will assume that you have already studied and memorized the “STATE-BY-STATE COMPENDIUM Election Worker Laws & Statutes” (3rd edition of course). God bless you. Your name will not be forgotten.
Safety First. In these unprecedented times, our main concern is the safety of our poll workers and the voters they serve. Ideally we would have temperature checks and contact tracing logs. Unfortunately, due to a very tight budget we cannot afford digital thermometers and/or paper for questionnaires. Instead, at each polling location we are installing a volunteer midwestern mother. Upon entering the poll, this mother will feel your forehead with the back of her hand. You will either receive an “Okay honey. Have fun with your friends,” or an “Oh sweetie you’re burning up!” We ask that you bring your own hand sanitizer. If it’s out of stock at your local grocery store, see appendix G for instructions on how to use your bathtub and a few household chemicals to make your own.
Setting up your polling location. You are expected to be at your polling location at 4:55am sharp. Democracy runs on efficiency and warm bodies so report to your designated middle school art room, poorly lit church fellowship hall, JCC sun patio, or YMCA overflow parking lot. Upon arrival you will notice the voting machines spread out in many pieces across the floor. This is where any formal education or training in the fields of engineering or the computer sciences will come in handy. Simply follow the instructions provided by our partners at Ikea (a strong mastery of the Swedish language should help immensely).
Checking in voters. One of the most important jobs any poll worker can have is verifying voters’ identity and eligibility to vote. You must always be vigilant as you will find people trying to vote under false pretenses. Some of the more zealous will try to vote multiple times using disguises. Be on the lookout for false mustaches, bad wigs, and William Barr. The voters will be listed by address, zip code first, in a giant book. Don’t worry if it takes you 15–20 minutes to find any given person as this will only give voters more time to ponder the important decision they are about to make.
Keeping the pace. A long line can deter potential voters, and is the number one enemy of the poll worker. To keep things moving quickly, we will choose the oldest, hardest to understand woman to walk back and forth and yell at people about having their ID ready. Oftentimes you will have first-time teen voters slow down the line with endless pictures for social media. We’ve found that it’s best to pat them on the head affirmingly and give them an “I Voted” sticker immediately. This is all they are there for anyway, and should exit promptly regardless of whether or not they actually voted. If you catch a group of them doing any type of TikTok we suggest the use of the closest fire extinguisher to quickly disband them.
Protecting the ballots. In today’s world, democracy and a fair vote is constantly under attack. It is your sworn duty to protect the integrity of the election by keeping a watchful eye out for any attempts to tamper with the ballots. Reach into your provided poll worker’s tote sack and pull out your county issued taser. Do not be afraid to use it for any reason on anyone speaking with a Russian accent. Any eastern European accent really, just to be safe. We suggest you practice with your taser at home to get a feel for it. Give it a few test zaps while screaming “not today you commie bastard!”
You will encounter many challenges not outlined in this manual. Because of the tight budget we weren’t able to provide more than one page of instructions. Please visit the poll workers’ official site for a full guide on how to handle issues such as civil unrest, hostage situations, anti-mask screamers, armed “poll protectors,” and your inevitable battle with COVID-19. We are so glad you have decided to participate in the foundation of democracy. Godspeed, and may the odds be ever in your favor!
