HUMOR
The ABCs of Perimenopause
Hey, girl! We got you!
Since medical schools don’t teach much about perimenopause and your PCP likely changes the subject every time you bring up your dry vagina, we’ve created a handy list of ABCs to help you navigate this time of your life, which can last two to five years. Or six to nine. Or as much as twelve to fifteen.
Of course, you might find your transition easy-peasy, nothing more than a blip on your hormonal radar that you celebrate like Gwyneth Paltrow did when she turned fifty and posed nude while painted in gold. Each woman’s experience is unique, so nobody can tell you how it will go for you.
But these ABCs will surely help!
A is for Anxiety
We’re not talking a little bit of angst sprinkled on top of Mount Worry. Brace yourself for a blizzard of jitters, misgivings, and unease — and that’s just before breakfast. You know how dogs quiver and quake during fireworks? You are the dog. Everything else is the fireworks.
B is for Burning Mouth Syndrome (BMS)
It’s as if your mouth said to your ovaries, “Hold my beer.” Also, we don’t recommend googling this.
C is for Can’t Remember Shit
And you thought baby brain fog was bad.
D is for Disturbance
Sleep disturbances are common during perimenopause. In fact, you might find yourself writing the word INSOMNIA cryptically on your Facebook page at two a.m., and like birds making contact calls, your people will answer in the comments: SAME.
E is for Estrogen
Estrogen is the fickle French lover who comes and goes as he pleases, often leaving you in a puddle of tears, snot, and sweat. And still, you’ll grieve for him anyway.
F is for Fury
You know that scene from The Little Mermaid circa 1989 where Ursula, the squid-like sea monster, accidentally vaporizes her precious eels, and her eyes go red, and she unloads a shit-ton of black ink on Ariel and Eric? You will occasionally demonstrate similar behavior toward others, including, but not limited to, your partner, your inexplicably aching left hip, Dr. Phil, the neighbor who dropped off a gazillion zucchini, and inanimate objects like the Keurig.
G is for Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease (GERD)
You’ll begin to wonder how something related to “down there” can affect so many goddamn parts of your body, like your lower esophageal sphincter.
H is for Hot Flashes
This is the Original Coke of perimenopause, the classic symptom most people know, thanks to uninspired TV shows that think a woman suddenly fanning herself with a slice of pizza is somehow hilarious.
I is for Itchy
You’ll be surprised at what can itch: Your boobs, the bottom of your feet, YOUR FREAKING BOOBS, OMG, STOP THE ITCHING.
J is for Jumping
This is just one of many physical activities you won’t be able to do without peeing your pants a little.
K is for Kegels
Just what you always wanted! Exercises for your vagina!
L is for Les. M is for Misérables.
In other words, you for the next two to five, six to nine, or twelve to fifteen years, give or take.
N is for Night Sweats
Good news! They don’t last forever. You will eventually die.
O is for Oestrogen
Because that’s how they spell it in the UK. Perimenopause sucks there, too.
P is for Palpitations
You might find yourself googling things like “how to make a will online fast” while waiting in the ER since you’re about to die from a heart attack at 47. But LOL, nope. Just a little heart palpitation thingy, you lucky gal.
Q is for Quick (Ha-Ha, Not)
You’ll now scoff when people complain of things that they think take a long time — standing in line at the DMV, making homemade udon noodles, waiting for George R.R. Martin’s next book.
R is for Random
Panic attacks? Check! Vertigo? Check! The feeling of ants crawling on your appendages? Check! You’ll find that most weird symptoms can be linked to perimenopause if you google long enough.
S is for Smelly
Perimenopause takes body odor to a whole new level. At times, you’ll be alarmed but also impressed by the stank emanating from various orifices.
T is for Thinning Hair
Don’t worry — just the stuff on your head!
U is for Unicorn
Many folks, including some doctors, won’t believe your symptoms are real. Just remember that science eventually proved unicorns were real. No, not the majestic white creatures with rainbow manes and glittery horns that ’80s kids wore on tank tops over their budding breasts, but rather mangy beasts that skewed more rhino than horse. Somehow, this is apt.
V is for Vaginal Atrophy
Think of Atrophy as the cool new bar where the only item on the menu is a drink called the Thirsty Vagina, and it’s served in an empty champagne flute.
W is for Whiskers
You’ll soon be convinced that the cure for male pattern baldness is contained in the three stiff whiskers that continue to grow from your chin no matter how many times you pluck those suckers out.
X is for Marking the Spot
If you can find the place in your nether regions that allows you to orgasm without a mix of lubes, battery-powered devices, and wishes on a star, MARK THAT BITCH WITH A PERMANENT SHARPIE.
Y is for You’ll Never Know When
What’s that? You’ve gone six months without a period and think you’re done for good? You might be! But you also might not! Isn’t that awesome?!
Z is for Zits
Not just zits on your face. Welcome to butt zits and boob zits and even vagina zits. It’s zits for everyone, a zitpalooza!
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We hope you found these ABCs helpful. Remember, the above is meant to be educational, not medical advice. Always consult a doctor, even though most won’t know how to help. Rage on, sister!
