The Acceptance Speech For My Lifetime Sexual Achievement Award
Muchas gracias bitches! It’s such an honor to receive this award. Firstly, I’d like to thank myself for persevering, ignoring the haters, and not listening to my selfish, jealous, judgmental “friends.” Where’s your award? Prudes!
Next, I need to express my gratitude to others. I want to thank god, my agent, manager, healer, guardian angel, guardian ad litem, the press, foreign press, negative press, etc. Thank you for believing in me when I didn’t believe in myself. Or anyone. Or anything. Why do we exist?
I’d also like to thank my gynecologist, urologist, astrologist, other gynecologist and other urologist. I have immense gratitude for Alcoholics Anonymous, but not the Geek Squad. They suck. Shout out to the producer of my most successful film, My Body is a Wonderland, But My Mind is Unhinged. It’s a silent film because people talk too much, have nothing to say, and nobody cares. If you’re interested, it’s still playing on airplanes across south Texas on Wednesdays, also known as hump day if you’re an idiot.
My appreciation spans national borders. I want to thank Cicciolina for being a role model, trailblazer, and icon. If you don’t know who she is, google her. I’m not an Italian porn star history teacher.
Ok, fine.
