The Angry Toaster

My Complicated Relationship with Common Household Appliances

My toaster oven has been making some pretty ominous sounds these days and, frankly, I’m concerned that it’s a sign that we’re on the downslope of our relationship. It may seem paranoid but we’ve been together for almost fifteen years and, after that much time, a person gets to know his appliances pretty well.

We’ve had our rough spots. In the beginning I had to fiddle around with her settings to get my English muffins just right and it took a good six months until each of us finally settled on the optimum way to toast a bagel. I won’t even get started on the countless hours I’ve spent adjusting her rack. It was a low spot during our time together and I’m not proud of the way I acted but we’ve largely made our peace with each other.

These days she just seems different. I’ve heard it can happen around this time in a toaster oven’s life. Sometimes she gets so hot that I end up with a smoldering charcoal briquette instead of a nicely warmed ham and swiss on rye. Other times I end up with a flaccid half frozen waffle. Rarely is anything ever perfectly toasted.

Of course it could just be that my toaster doesn’t like cooking bagels or anything else that isn’t, strictly, toast. Maybe she’s a purist which I totally understand. I’ve dated more…