DARK FOREST SATIRE
The ‘Bachelor’ Season 37 To Cast A Bear
Producer of the next bachelor bares all
The Bachelor’s producer Stephanie Gabon has said their next season will feature a young and very eligible bear. The shift in the show’s format was envisioned after recent surveys revealed 93% of single women would prefer to be alone with a bear than with a human man.
The trend began, as many do, with a viral TikTok video.
“The Gen-Z audience continues to shift toward social media, and the Bachelor intends to stay relevant”
Outtakes from casting rehearsal showed women loving the first Ursidaen bachelor.
“He’s taller than all my ex-boyfriends put together.”
“I love a man with broad hairy shoulders.”
“A man of few words, is just my type.”
“He’s very predictable when hungry.”
A potential next Bachelor
A source on the set said an easy-going bear from Northern Minnesota is in the hot seat to become the next Bachelor.
However, questions were raised when Hot Takes Weekly reached out to some of the bear’s previous paramours in Northern Minnesota.
“The vibes were off. The encounter left me feeling like I was just a piece of meat.”
“He wasn’t the person I thought him to be when we first started dating.”
“After our first date, he only cared about hunting and fishing.”
Reports of unhappy previous relationships didn’t deter hopeful contestants for the upcoming season.
Dental hygienist Amanda, who aims to gain a spot, tells HTW, “I’ve begun training on cleaning plaque for Ursidaen teeth. If he chooses me, we will have a few things we will both need to get used to.”
While many readers may see choosing a bear as a partner could be a very impulsive decision, some contestants are looking at this matter very pragmatically:
“My two previous two boyfriends had their jobs replaced by AI. This won't happen to a bear anytime soon.”
Hot Takes Weekly will continue to bring you upcoming news on the next season of The Bachelor and who will be the next lucky bear.
Production company Yell Timber says this season will a trial run for the viability of adopting a similar format for The Bachelorette, and having 20 single bears vie for the attention of one Bachelorette.
This is a work of satire. All the names, characters, businesses, places, events, and incidents in this book are either the product of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.
