The Best Las Vegas Trip Ever
The Inside Story of the Ultimate Getaway
The lady in the Las Vegas airport car rental shuttle was correct when she turned to us and said, “You guys are going to have a great trip.” My brother (Uncle Mike), his future son-in-law (Noah, a.k.a. The Big Noose) and I (Uncle Larry) were wildly laughing in the backseat of the shuttle. A few minutes earlier I didn’t think it was so funny.
For the last ten years, I have been in charge of carefully planning the annual Lasday brother’s December weekend trip to Las Vegas. Throughout each year, I rigorously scour the world-wide internet in search of unique experiences that can be partially sponsored by Groupon deals, life experience-based discounts and the kindness of casino promotion personnel. In past years, we have toured Wayne Newton’s mansion, hiked a trail in Red Rock Canyon, explored the Hoover Dam and most profitably, were taught how to operate an electronic bingo card by a friendly octogenarian.
For this year’s trip I was very pleased with the seven dollar a day (plus fees) deal I had arranged with Advantage Rent a Car for a four-day large sedan rental. We had previously rented from Advantage and it was an easy experience taking a shuttle to the Las Vegas car rental center where we could claim our car. This year there was a problem.
When we arrived at the rental center, we learned to our great dismay that Advantage was no longer based in the centralized center and that we needed to take a second shuttle to the “offsite offsite” Advantage facility. I was furious since I knew that my travel-mates did not have the patience for a second shuttle, no matter how large the discount. My head was threatening to explode when we finally were able to board the second shuttle after a twenty-minute agonizing wait. The driver then fired up the ignition and drove us to the Advantage center which was……..literally across the street. We had waited twenty minutes to be driven across the street. We laughed.
After the kind hearted Advantage agent upgraded us to a Rogue SUV, we circled back to the airport to pick up my older brother (Uncle Jeff) as well as my nephew (Josh). It was time to start following the itinerary.
Our first order of business was to resolve a slight cowboy problem. Our trip often coincides with the Nationals Final Rodeo, a ten-day event that brings over 170,000 cowboys to Vegas. While we have enjoyed this event during our previous visits, spending hours shopping at the Cowboy Christmas gift show for all of our boot, hat, saddle and rattler rope needs, it does cause a bit of a problem.
Casino marketing executives prioritize the needs of rodeo-goers over the needs of Uncle Jeff, Uncle Mike, Josh, Noah and myself. While our needs are to enjoy a Sunday watching and gambling on as many football games as possible at the Mirage sportsbook, the cowboy’s needs are to listen and dance to live bands playing country music.
During the rodeo, the Mirage sets up a stage on the sportsbook floor for nightly country music performances. Each band loudly practices in the afternoon in the middle of the football games. The Mirage marketing team does not care about three senior citizen Uncles and their loved ones who prefer Tony Romo’s game commentary to Luke Bryan’s “But I got a beer in my hand.”
We needed to find a new home for our Sunday viewing. After many months of remote research, we narrowed the list of potential sportsbooks to Mandalay Bay and Westgate. Both met the search committee’s requirements of providing free open seating as well as a complete 100% smoke and country free music environment. It was time to complete the crucial site visits.
We made quick stops at our two downselected sportsbooks where we conducted our visual inspections and held our final interviews with the sportsbook officials where we pressed them on how early that we needed to arrive to ensure the optimal viewing experience.
Back in the car, while driving to the Mirage to check into our rooms, we reached back to our professional multi-tasking skills and conducted a binding sportsbook vote. While the Westgate was the winner, there was a slight scare when Uncle Mike was voting while driving and almost ran into the curb as he was distracted by the Sphere.
Amarillo Slim, Doyle Brunson and Phil Ivey are legendary high stakes gamblers. Uncle Jeff, Uncle Larry and Uncle Mike spent their formative years betting quarters on the number wheel at the Poale Tzedek summer carnival hoping to win fruit baskets. When we travel to Vegas, my responsibility is to skillfully craft an itinerary that will allow us to stretch our meager gambling budgets through the three-day weekend. Since Saturday night is the most expensive night to gamble with high table minimums, I arranged for us to avoid the tables with an evening of unparalleled entertainment.
To celebrate Hanukkah, we settled into the 6:00 pm performance of Jew Man Group which was advertised as a live comedy show. While I felt fortunate to purchase tickets using the “limited time 50% discount code,” I realized later that the “limited time” most likely referred to the future lifespan of the show. Our viewing group was unanimous that the material was horrible, the presentation cringeworthy and that the performers should immediately contact their human resources department to see if they could qualify for a group rate on an emergency upskilling session. The good news was that every minute we spent not being entertained by the Jew Man Group was time not spent decrementing our gambling budgets.
We have to thank “The Big Noose” for making the second show of the evening, Kevin Lepine’s Hypnosis Unleashed, a top ten moment in Lasday Vegas trip history. We have been to several hypnosis shows previously, but the Lasday brothers are too crusty and cynical to fall under a hypnotic spell. We always enjoy the shows, we just don’t participate in them. Noah was not only a willing participant, but he became the star of the show.
Uncle Mike and Noah along with about twenty-five other audience members volunteered to go up on the stage to be hypnotized. After Kevin went through his calming five-minute hypnotic talk, he told the volunteers that their hands were getting lighter and lighter and that they were being pulled into the air. He then mentioned that each of them had a guitar in their hands and were excited to “rock out.” We watched as Uncle Mike’s hands didn’t budge from his knees and as he showed no interest in trying to play a guitar. Uncle Mike was quickly sent back to his seat in the audience. Meanwhile, Noah’s hands were stretched to the sky until he grabbed an imaginary guitar and channeled Jimi Hendrix at Woodstock.
We watched as Noah fell asleep on command, battled for napkins that he was told were dollar bills, and most disturbingly, when he received “pleasure” when his future brother-in-law (Josh) shouted “Pop” from the audience. When Kevin told the volunteers that they were superheroes and asked what their superhero name was, Noah boldly proclaimed that he was “The Big Noose.” Then Kevin touched Noah on his forehead and he fell fast asleep with his head comfortably resting on the shoulders of the female volunteer in the adjoining chair. The Big Noose needed a nap.
After the show, Josh and Noah both wanted to gamble. I firmly discouraged Saturday night gambling and reminded them of my gambling rules developed over decades of Las Vegas excursions:
- Table games should only be played if minimums are set at $10 or lower.
- Table games should only be played after completing hours of simulated on-line play and mastering the most statistically advantaged strategy.
- Slot machines should be played sparingly for amusement only and airport slot machines should never be considered due to their documented low payout rate.
I encouraged our group to head to our rooms to sleep so we were ready for our early Sunday morning sportsbook adventure, but my wise counsel was ignored and between Josh and Noah, they won hundreds of dollars playing Blackjack at a table with $15 minimum bets, Craps where they had the dealer explain the rules as they played and on slots where they giddily fed twenty-dollar bills into the Bao Zhu Zhao Fu Firecracker machine. At least they didn’t insist on grabbing an Uber to play the slots at the airport.
On Sunday morning, we arrived at the Westgate, the largest sportsbook in the world, at 7:00 am to claim our seats. We marveled at the crowd of fellow degenerates who sacrificed their sleep to worship in the 30,000 square foot gambling playground that was highlighted by a 220 foot by 18- foot 4K video wall. Although we had three hours until the first game began, we needed the time to analyze the unlimited supply of betting alternatives that included teasers, super teasers and super mega teasers.
While Uncle Jeff started unloading his magical backpack of snacks, Josh and Noah made a quick run to the nearby Siegal’s Bagelmania to pick up a Lake Mead Benedict, a Risk it for the Brisket Bialy, assorted bagels and a healthy supply of Pinkbox glazed donuts to complement Uncle Jeff’s provision of chocolate covered pretzels.
Unfortunately, as the day went along, while our stomachs were filled with delicious treats, our wallets were lightened by unfortunate events in almost every game that we wagered. I counseled Josh to remain patient and enjoy the games, but he decided to bolt and play Blackjack. Not surprisingly, he sheepishly returned shaking his head about a bad streak of cards. Later, Uncle Mike confided that Josh had to make the Vegas walk of shame to a casino ATM. I felt bad that I wasn’t able to convince Josh of the importance of strictly following my proven casino money management techniques.
When the football games were over, Noah, a first time Vegas visitor, suggested that after a full day of eating and sitting that maybe we could take a long walk along the Las Vegas strip so we could improve the odds that we would be healthy enough to attend his upcoming wedding. While my itinerary clearly had us resting in the sportsbook a few more hours until dinner, we decided to be flexible as our symbolic way of reaching out to him and welcoming him into our family.
So, we walked and we walked and we walked. Uncle Jeff and I lagged behind, hoping we could take a break to sample some Oreos from Uncle Jeff’s backpack. Noah was impressed with the friendliness of the Vegas crowd. As we walked, he was approached by showgirls, large teddy bears and a number of superheroes all wanting to take pictures with him. The most remarkable encounter that may or may not have occurred was when a group of young children couldn’t control their enthusiasm amidst such a gathering of superheroes and rushed towards Noah shouting “It’s the Big Noose, It’s the Big Noose.”
Finally, after enjoying opera singing gondoliers, a 30-foot-tall Mouse King and the iconic Bellagio synchronized fountains, it was time for dinner. During our meal, I mentored Josh and Noah on the Sunday night gambling opportunities that awaited us. The weekend crowds were thinning and the table minimums had finally hit the magical $10 mark. All they had to do was concentrate on Blackjack and play the time tested simple basic strategy that I outlined.
Noah wanted to play Craps. Josh was convinced that he could exploit an inefficiency in the Bao Zhu Zhao Fu Firecracker slot machine. After a while, I decided to let them learn a hard lesson. I went to play Blackjack and although I played in a manner of great skill, my money soon disappeared. Noah went to play Craps and concentrated on betting on sixes and eights and put together an amazing string of rolls that not only enriched him, but all the gamblers at his table. Josh won bonus after bonus on his firecracker slot machine.
Monday morning, we drove Noah to the airport as he was vacation challenged given the need to save his vacation days for a July event. While his first time Las Vegas accomplishments were inspiring, I believe his most impressive feat was flying roundtrip on Spirit airlines from Pittsburgh to Las Vegas for the basic price of $125 and avoiding any additional fees for baggage, carry-ons, seat assignments, beverages or breathing. He explained that Uncle Jeff wasn’t the only one who owned a magic backpack.
Who would travel 2,400 miles across the country to a city overflowing with live entertainment, adult beverages and raging parties to spend a quiet afternoon watching a movie while snacking on an extra- large box of refillable popcorn? The answer should be everybody. The Monday senior movie matinee is a staple of each year’s carefully curated itinerary. Our only disappointment this year was that we couldn’t talk Iris (the friendly box office employee) into granting Josh an honorary senior matinee discount for his role as our travel companion.
We enjoyed watching The Holdovers with the three other thrill seekers that joined us in the auditorium. When we were exiting the theater, Uncle Jeff who is an unofficial member of the Academy of Motion Pictures and Sciences, texted in his Oscar nomination of Paul Giamatti for Best Lead Actor. Uncle Mike texted Iris at the concession stand for a large to go box of peanut M&Ms. I texted my wife admitting that without her guidance that we hadn’t been making the wisest food choices.
While we were in the car driving to our Italian dinner feast at the fabulous Nora’s, I began to start mentally planning my wardrobe for our evening’s fundraising gala. Then I remembered that the jeans I was wearing were the only pants I had brought on the trip, so by default, I was ready for the gala.
As part of my thorough trip planning, I saw an article in the Las Vegas Review-Journal describing the special 10th anniversary Mondays Dark fundraising gala to be held on the Monday night of our visit in the Palms showroom. I literally purchased the last four available tickets and we enjoyed a parade of Vegas entertainers performing highlights of their shows in support of local charities. While we weren’t the silent auction successful bidders on the Cabos San Lucas Dream Vacation, we were honored to witness an inspiring performance by Opportunity Village’s Elvi Dance Troupe.
Tuesday morning it was time to go home. It should be no surprise that there is a strict provision in my methodical trip planning guidelines that all travelers must arrive at the airport no later than two hours prior to their flight time. Unfortunately, Josh was left behind on a prior trip when he didn’t answer his hotel room door at 5:30 am due to an alarm clock malfunction. He was forced into finding his own way to the airport and had to accept the frightening risk of navigating airport security in less than the recommended 120 minutes.
Thankfully, Josh was ready this year, although he still wasn’t fully on-board with the timing. We dropped off Uncle Jeff at the airport for his trip to Philadelphia and then continued following our itinerary with trips to the Pinball Hall of Fame and to the Southpointe Arena and Equestrian Center for our yearly dose of calf roping. We then returned our car to the Advantage Car rental center, carefully walked across the street and braced ourselves for our emotional goodbye to Josh. Since he was flying to Seattle from Terminal 3 and Uncle Mike and I were flying back to Maryland from Terminal 1, we were forced to part ways to line up for our respective shuttles.
I was thrilled that despite Josh’s erratic gambling behavior that he was able to end the trip with a couple hundred-dollar profit. Since he had just moved to Seattle and hadn’t even opened up a bank account, he gave all of his cash except for $60 to Uncle Mike to take back to Maryland to deposit in his account. I cautioned Josh not to conclude that his undisciplined gambling strategies were the path to riches and reminded him that he had plenty of time to develop a statistically based approach for our trip next year.
Uncle Mike and I were fortunate that due to a light Tuesday travel day, we arrived at our arrival gate with 100 minutes to spare. After spending sixty minutes patting myself on the back for my exquisite trip planning, I heard Uncle Mike’s cell phone buzz.
It was Josh. He started by explaining that we had gotten to the airport way too early and that he had been extremely bored so he took his entire sixty dollars and poured it into a Bao Zhu Zhao Fu Firecracker machine. I was both horrified and disappointed as I tried to mentally calculate how Uncle Mike would be able to travel to Terminal 3 to give Josh a cash infusion so he would be able to function in society when he arrived home. Then Josh texted Uncle Mike a picture of the airport slot machine cashout voucher for $1,964.34.
Uncle Jeff, Uncle Larry, Uncle Mike, Josh and the Big Noose are now safely back in our respective homes. I am going to spend the upcoming year searching for the lady that shared our airport car shuttle ride to the Advantage facility. She had made undeniably the most accurate predication in Las Vegas history. My working theory is that her prediction abilities will translate seamlessly to football games. We are going to make an incredible amount of money next year.
