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The Haven

The Brand of Your Cellphone Portends Your Death

Texting and driving may not kill you, but everyone dies eventually…

Galaxy 8 and up: Ice, ladders, and throat punches are much more dangerous than people realize. If you live in Philly or Boston, the throat punch will kill you. Anywhere else, you’ll have an icy ladder accident.

iPhone X-12: There is a fifty percent chance you’ll die of heart disease and a fifty percent chance you’ll die in a car crash.

Google Phone: At a tech convention you’ll be walking to your roundtable on how information tracking can save men’s falling sperm count, and a staticky speaker announcing the keynote will fall on your head.

Iphone 7 or before: You’ll die a quiet, enviable death in your bed after living an annoyingly long life. Unfortunately, since your partner will be out of town at the time and you have cats, it’s likely that post death you’ll be partly eaten.

Applewatch: You may think you’ll live forever but oxygen ultimately kills.

Motorola: Warehouse accident.

LG: You’ll be showering during a rainstorm and discover that you can, indeed, get electrocuted while showering when a lightening bolt strikes your home.

Any Old Galaxy Phones: Snake bite. Or if you live by an ocean: jelly fish stings or shark bites.

Nokia: An old Russian satellite will fall on you.

Multiple iPhones and an Apple Watch: Someone is going to murder you.




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Carley Gomez

Carley Gomez

Missouri based writer of lists, tips, satire, and stories to cope with the absurdity of reality.

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