The Haven
Published in

The Haven

The Brand of Your Cellphone Portends Your Death

Texting and driving may not kill you, but everyone dies eventually…

https://unsplash.com/photos/mfRgIB3st4I?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditShareLink

Galaxy 8 and up: Ice, ladders, and throat punches are much more dangerous than people realize. If you live in Philly or Boston, the throat punch will kill you. Anywhere else, you’ll have an icy ladder accident.

iPhone X-12: There is a fifty percent chance you’ll die of heart disease and a fifty percent chance you’ll die in a car crash.

Google Phone: At a tech convention you’ll be walking to your roundtable on how information tracking can save men’s falling sperm count, and a staticky speaker announcing the keynote will fall on your head.

Iphone 7 or before: You’ll die a quiet, enviable death in your bed after living an annoyingly long life. Unfortunately, since your partner will be out of town at the time and you have cats, it’s likely that post death you’ll be partly eaten.

Applewatch: You may think you’ll live forever but oxygen ultimately kills.

Motorola: Warehouse accident.

LG: You’ll be showering during a rainstorm and discover that you can, indeed, get electrocuted while showering when a lightening bolt strikes your home.

Any Old Galaxy Phones: Snake bite. Or if you live by an ocean: jelly fish stings or shark bites.

Nokia: An old Russian satellite will fall on you.

Multiple iPhones and an Apple Watch: Someone is going to murder you.

--

--

--

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

Recommended from Medium

Vannamelon: The Horror Story

The Dragon Slayer

Cable Knit Baby Headbands For Children Elastic Baby Girl Turban Kids Hair Bands Newborn Headwrap…

MY EXPRESSION ➖➖MY EXPRESSION

Laurent Wolf — No Stress (Anton Wick Remix)

A Serving of Bush Roasted Chuck

Superlatives for High School Students Learning Remotely

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store
Carley Gomez

Carley Gomez

Missouri based writer of lists, tips, satire, and stories to cope with the absurdity of reality.

More from Medium

How to ACE Your First Road Trip in Your Brand New Electric Car

Here’s A Fun Wordle Game For Disney Fans

Getting to know Patrick Hogue, a talented actor and director that you should keep an eye out for.

Peloton Should Get Out of The Exercise Bike Business