The British Monarchy. That Was The Answer. However, What Is The Question?
Ay up my loyal subjects!
I’m here to tell you about another exciting edition of a new concept in concepts. It brings together folks who don’t agree at all, in the hope that we can have a calm discussion and end up not hating the shit out of each other so much.
We all remember the the first edition don’t we?
Anyway, the individuals here will supposedly represent a huge chunk of the general public, but will in fact represent a small vocal fanatical minority.
1st Person: Fanatical minority? A bit judgemental?
Me: Is it? Fanatical has the word ‘fan’ in it, so how’s that judgy?
Anyway, this week’s topic is, The British Monarchy.
“The monarchy of the United Kingdom, commonly referred to as the British monarchy, is the constitutional form of government by which a hereditary sovereign reigns as the head of state of the United Kingdom, the Crown Dependencies (the Bailiwick of Guernsey, the Bailiwick of Jersey and the Isle of Man) and the British Overseas Territories. The current monarch is King Charles III, who ascended the throne on 8 September 2022, upon the death of his mother, Queen Elizabeth II.” — Wikipedia
That’s both the short and the long version.
So, on with the show….
Me: First, introductions. On the left…
Unnamed Person 1: Call me Long live the King!
Me: OK. You on the right….
Unnamed Person 2: Call me Death to the King!
Unnamed Person 1: Eh! Why call yourself that!?!
Unnamed Person 2: I can call myself whatever I like!
Unnamed Person 1: What? So you want King Charles III dead?
Me: King Charles illmatic. Sorry, private joke….
Unnamed Person 1: No, I just want what he represents to….
Me: OK. Enough. How about we call you, Royalist, and you, Republican?
Royalist: Suppose so….
Republican: I guess so….
Me: By the way kids, Republican means something completely different in Northern Ireland. Thanks King Henry II.
Royalist: Eh?
Me: Don’t worry about it.
Me: Let’s start. If the answer is the British Monarchy, what is the Question?
Royalist: What is the envy of the world? What makes us proud to be British? What….
Me: Actually, I only need one answer. So, the same question to you Republican.
Republican: What are a bunch of parasites leeching off the British people?
Royalist: What’s that supposed to mean?!?
Republican: I believe it’s self-explanatory….
Me: OK! So, just as a way of demonstrating your extensive knowledge of The British Monarchy, please choose an event in its history that has informed your attitudes towards the institution.
Royalist: What’s that you say?
Republican: Say what now?
Me: Pick a major Royal event from history.
Royalist: The death of the Queen. It bought the nation together. The coronation. It bought the nation together.
Me: Again, I just need one answer. Same question to you Republican.
Republican: The treatment of Meghan Markle. It exposed the nation’s inherent racism.
Me: I was hoping for examples from olden times, but I guess they’ll have to do.
Republican: I need to say. “The Royal Family. So White.” They don’t represent the UK. No wonder diverse communities can’t relate to them.
Me: Really?
Republican: [silence]
Me: Just seen that photo with non-Whites in it yeah?
Republican: Don’t know what you’re talking about.
Royalist: I think it says a lot that people like them attack a family that can’t defend itself.
Me: More than 29,000 police officers for the coronation says otherwise….Moving on….
“The British monarchy is worth roughly £73 billion, which could be shared out between the UK’s households.”
Royalist: The Royals are worth every penny.
Republican: I support that £73 billion being shared out between the UK’s households.
Me: That figure is actually made up.
Republican: Is it though?
Me: Yes, I provided a link.
Republican: I’m not reading that.
Royalist: Look, they’re worth every penny of that £73 billion.
Me: That figure is made up.
Royalist: Doesn’t matter, they’re worth every penny of £73 billion. Long live the King!
Me: OK. Let’s move on…
“King Charles III’s Coronation watched by more than 18 million viewers” — The BBC
Royalist: Our monarchy is the best in the world!
Me: How is it?
Royalist: No one has a monarchy that comes close to ours.
Me: Apart from Belgium, Denmark, Luxembourg, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Qatar….
Royalist: Ours is the best!
Me: Would you like to expand on that?
Royalist: Ours is the best in the world!
Me: How?
Royalist: It just is.
Me: OK. But how is it the best in the world?
Royalist: You deaf? It just is.
Me: OK, is it being the best purely based on it being all you know?
Royalist: Wait? So you’re like them now? Anti Royalist?
Me: I’m supremely indifferent.
Royalist: So, you are anti-Royalist then?
Republican: See! They want to shut down freedom of speech.
Royalist: No I don’t. I support freedom of speech. I support the right to protest. I just don’t support protests causing disruption.
Me: What? Like what the kind of disruption protests cause because they’re protests?
Royalist: Er….
Republican: This love of the Royals is irrational. It’s like a cult.
Me [muttering]: Unlike waving and shouting “Not my King!” en masse.
Republican: Pardon?
Me: Nothing.
Royalist: We’re not a cult….
Me [muttering]: No. You just like waving union flags and shouting….
Royalist: Long live the King!
Me: Yeah, that. Moving on….
“British public support for monarchy at historic low, poll reveals” — The Guardian
Random Person 1: Can I just say….?
Me: Eh? Where’d you come from?
Random Person 1: Can I just say that I’m no fan of the Royals but without a proper plan to abolish the monarchy we’re just going around in circles.
Me: Thank-you for your contribution. However, logic is unhelpful in these sorts of debates.
Random Person 2: Can I just say….?
Me: Another one? Where’d you come from?
Random Person 2: Can I just say that most people I know don’t give two shits about the Royals, and most surveys I’ve seen reflect that, so why do we keep having these pointless debates?
Me: Thank-you for your contribution. However, fence sitters are unhelpful in these sorts of debates. Let’s return to our guests….
“A new opinion poll carried out for the BBC suggests that whilst 58% of people polled overall believe that Britain should continue to have a monarchy — less a third of younger adults wanted the monarchy to continue.” — The BBC
Republican: This is an age thing. My generation, young people, aren’t into monarchy, whereas your generation….
Royalist: Wait! My generation?
Republican: Yeah. You’re like, what, in your mid to late….
Royalist: Carry on.
Republican: Anyway, my point is we don’t want a monarchy. We want an elected head of state.
Royalist: Do you actually know what an elected head of state is?
Republican: Yeah. Well, you know, our state has a head that’s, well, elected.
Royalist: You’ve no idea what you’re talking about do you? You’re just high on Twitter juice.
Republican: How dare you! That’s all you’re generation does, belittle us!
Royalist: No we don’t. We just think it’s important to remind you that you’re not that important.
Me: OK OK! Let’s wrap things up. Final question, just for fun. Queen Meghan?
Royalist: Fuck no. I ain’t paying for that.
Republican: Fuck yeah. As long as I don’t pay for it.
Me: Finally, something we can agree on.
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