The Cheapskate’s Guide to Affording Butt Implants
During the past decade, Kim Kardashian has inflated her behind to three times its normal, genetic size. As a result, women around the world have been getting butt implants and transferring fat to their buttocks in order to look more like Kardashian.
The Rubenesque physique was an unexpected development in female beauty standards. During the 20th Century a large bosom was desirable. Although this is still the case, big breasts pale in comparison to a massive butt.
The problem is, women find affording butt surgery to be a challenge, dashing their hopes of rounding out their physique. Some ways women can overcome this challenge is to suggest the following to their surgeons:
1. Rather than inserting expensive buttock implants, why not use regular decorative pillows, the type that can be purchased at Walgreen’s or Wayfair? They are considerably cheaper and the round pillows have the right shape for a rounded, peachy behind. Bonus: They are soft and comfortable so a cushy seat will never again be a problem.
2. Consider inserting a whoopee cushion in each buttock. The side effect of course, is the resounding fart sound that will result each time the patient sits down, causing embarrassment. However, you have to have to tolerate a little rain to get your rainbow.
3. Insert only one buttock implant at a time. Yes, a fully rounded cheek on one side, and a flat cheek on the other will be somewhat off-putting to onlookers but when you’re on a tight budget, you can’t afford to be choosy.
4. Insert non-silicone-filled, empty implants. Surely, they will be available for a discount because they lack filler. While they won’t provide a more curvaceous profile, the wearer will feel more confident because she can’t see the mess back there.
5. Walk backwards.
6. When walking, always do lunges so no one can tell what size and shape your butt actually is.
7. Hop like a frog when moving forwards (“ribbit” sound optional).
8. Wear those fake built-in butt stretch underwear and girdles over your
nylons. These will not be a good option when wearing a bathing suit, so avoid beaches.
9. Fill your underwear with rocks or squirrels.
The checklist above should help add fullness to the cheapskate’s buttocks. These are not attractive options, but beggars cannot be choosers. Enjoy your new butt.
