The Damsel in Distress
A Tale of Possessed Djinn and Heartsore Girl
We all have that one Damsel in Life who’s in total distress.
It’s the most esoteric distress only damsels can experience.
Let’s face it: they are the top picks by the Universe.
Fate chooses them to experiment all things Bad and bleak.
One like my Aunt N. She’s been in distress since time immemorial.
I assure you that distress is a contagious phenomenon. Especially when it comes from your aunt, who’s hellbent on drawing you into her Pity Party.
The best part is that her Pity Parties are scheduled on phone calls. However, she isn’t a Party Pooper but rambunctious in person.
Partying on the phone suits me, too. So, I allow her a huge chunk of my day every fortnight.
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“Salamalekum Bai”, she usually starts with a painful whisper.
‘Walaykum Salam Aunt N. What’s up? Is everything okay?”
“Yes, kiddo. Everything is okay. Besides, I just survived a harrowing death a few days before.”
“Noooo”, my brain responds on auto mode.
AND THERE STARTS THE POPCORN-EATING NEVER ENDING SAGA.
A few days back, she was travelling to see her in-laws with the Hubs.
And suddenly, her bladder protested.
She couldn’t bear the pressure and asked the Hubs to stop the car on the highway.
In my country, highways are usually deserted with no lights and lots of bovines ready to dig a hole in your car if you dare challenge them. So, the Hubs parked the car under the Neem tree to avoid collisions with bovines.
It was dark, and Aunt N went to the other side of the huge Neem tree.
Blimey!
In the Neem tree lived a boorish djinn who waited for a damsel in distress. Aunt N was peeing and singing ‘Lag Ja Gale Ki Phir Ye Hasin Raat Ho Na Ho. Shaayad Phir Is Janam Men Mulaaqaat Ho Na Ho’
Which literally translates to: ‘come stick to my throat [of course romantically] on this beautiful evening; maybe this is our last rendezvous.’
Nobody has been so romantic with the gruff Djinn for ages. His heart melted like butter in a pan and stuck to Aunt N’s throat.
From behind the tree emerged Aunt N acting strange.
However, family lore has it that there have been prior episodes of similar Djinn-hugging due to her rose-bud lips and oscillating hips.
Man! She is OG Damsel in Distress.
So, the Djinn immediately fell for her, but little did he know that the roles would soon reverse.
However, mayhem ensued when Aunt N reached home.
She loosened her hair and rolled her eyes upward; the drama was enough to run a chill through the family’s spine.
Her voice became so coarse and masculine that Hubs had to give lozenges.
But human-effective lozenge had zero effect on the Djinn.
The Hubs was confused and ran pillar to post for the cure. Later, she was taken to a baba who was the best player in his business.
I tell you, exorcising is a zero-risk business with immense returns. And you don’t have to file tax returns.
In the meantime, she kept rolling her eyes, beating her chest and throwing her hair. Sometimes, she even ran to the other corner of the room and banged her body on the wall.
After some days, the baba said, ‘The Djinn was willing to leave.
The rumor is that the ghost was madly in love with Aunt N.
Ouch!
This breaks my heart into smithereens. I’ve struggled my whole life for a romantic relationship, and Aunt N gets djinns for romance.
Drum rolls, please!
Rumors also have it that the Djinn felt trapped at the end. He bribed Aunt N to release him; if she did, he would give a Djinny potion to keep the rivers of her youth flowing forever.
It is also heard that he was asphyxiated at the end, and his family intervened and requested Aunt N to release him.
Well, “To each his own, you numbskull Djinn”.
Did you not see her Red Duppatta flowing high like a flag when she was singing and peeing, you fool?
In the end, Aunt N narrated the entire story except for the rumor part on the phone and then told me off for being a chatty monkey on the phone.
There there, Aunt N.
XOXO.
