The Democratic National Convention To Feature Satan as Keynote Speaker

The DNC kicks off tonight with the Prince of Darkness to follow Dr. Jill Biden.

Few events in American politics can rival the electric energy generated by the Democratic National Convention.

There was January 6th, but that was a total sausage-fest.

The attempted assassination of Trump was exciting, but botched exterminations are so 1981.

Starting tonight, the DNC kicks off with a bang, featuring dynamic speakers like Joe Biden, his wife, Dr. Jill, and even the mayor of Chicago. Hold on to your hats, folks. This year’s lineup promises to leave nary a dry seat cushion in the house.

While an appearance from hip young dynamos like the Bidens is enough to cause a stirring in the downstairs area of even the most reproductively challenged Ohio Democrats, the real draw tonight is Lucifer.

We got word that Satan’s flight was delayed, and in a fit of rage, he cursed the entire Southwest Airlines staff with tertiary syphilis, but if nothing else goes wrong, he’ll speak right after Dr. Jill, and we’re told his speech is nothing short of magic.

We caught up with one of Satan’s speechwriters, the ebullient and non-threatening co-host…