WHERE WOKE GETS FROSTBITE
The DeSantis Wannabes
The Republicans who are making a Michigan county like Florida
The Republican commissioners for Midland County, Michigan have gone above and beyond to “stop the woke spread of transgenderism.” They already prohibit surgery to change a person’s sex. That’s per their version of Florida’s “Don’t Say Gay Law.”¹ Now they’ve updated it to include people’s pets. And renamed it the “Don’t Say Spay” law.
Midland County is 120 miles northwest of Detroit. It’s mainly known for being the ancestral home and current headquarters of The Dow Chemical Company. Dow makes basic chemicals. Never anything sexy like Viagra®; the closest it’s gotten is Styrofoam®. Most of its products are useful. But Dow’s also known for long-lasting carcinogens. Like the dioxins in Midland soils — a byproduct of Dow’s manufacturing processes.² They’re the reason for Dow’s unofficial motto: “Buy our products once. Live with them forever.”
As Midland soils are uniquely tainted, so, too is its Republican Party. In most Michigan counties, the party machinery is run by Trump fanatics. Midland’s is one of the few that supports Governor Ron DeSantis of Florida. Which is why, when DeSantis visited Michigan last April 6th, he made a well-publicized stop in Midland.³
Midland commissioners adore DeSantis. It’s on account of how he manipulates Florida’s state institutions to achieve his goals. The legislature. Attorney general, district attorneys, and courts. The departments of Health, Education, Law Enforcement, and Business Regulation. The boards of its state universities and colleges. DeSantis suborns, subverts, co-opts, perverts, and strong-arms them to carry out his right-wing agenda. He doesn’t govern democratically, via the rule of law. DeSantis governs as an authoritarian, via the rule by law.⁴
The Midland commissioners have embraced DeSantis’s authoritarian approach. They used it to implement the “Don’t Spay Law.” And they’ve used it in other ways to make Midland County like Florida.
In the area of parental rights, for instance. The commissioners have made it legal for parents to use corporal punishment. Moms and dads can administer spankings as often and hard as they like without fear of being charged with assault. And not just to their children’s butt cheeks. Parents can paddle teachers, guidance counselors, coaches, band conductors, and school play directors. Any school employee who makes their child “feel discomfort, guilt, anguish, or any other form of psychological distress,” per a Midland ordinance based on Florida’s “Individual Freedom” bill.⁵
Obviously, one should be able to paddle a teacher’s backside if they teach critical race theory. Or require kids to use an art textbook containing a photo of Michelangelo’s “David.” Unless, that is, the teacher blacks-out Dave’s wiener with a Sharpie®.
But the commissioners didn’t stop there. Per their statute, a parent can bend a teacher over their knee for failing their little darling’s book report because she only read the CliffsNotes®. Scolding their future Stephen Hawking for using a gas tap in Chemistry Lab to make S’mores. Giving their tiny Mozart a time-out for goosing other kids with her violin bow. Shaming their budding Brad Pitt by giving him the role of “Second Tree” in the school play. Benching their mini Jerry Rice for dropping passes during a football game. Or humiliating their liddle kiddle by calling attention to the fact that they walked into the wrong classroom. Entered the wrong restroom. Have an open pants zipper. An exposed bra strap. A visible period stain. An erection. If a child is distressed by such an experience, their parent has every right to make a teacher hike up their skirt or drop trou, assume the position, then lash their ass with a hickory switch.
Like their role model Ron, the commissioners have been banning books. The shelves of the Grace A. Dow Memorial Library have been emptied of what DeSantis describes as “pornographic and inappropriate materials.” Such as Forever by Judy Blume, because the protagonist uses birth control. And Tango Makes Three, a children’s picture book by Parnell, Richardson and Cole, which depicts a penguin family whose parents are both male. Roberto Clemente: Pride of the Pittsburgh Pirates by Jonah Winter, which describes instances of racism.⁶
But though DeSantis set the bar low for banning books, the Midland commissioners managed to get under it. They banned children’s coloring books. Specifically, those with titles like Human Body Coloring Book for Kids. There are a variety on the market. They’re routinely found in waiting rooms at doctor’s offices. They depict cartoon figures of prepubescent boys and girls in their underwear. Each figure is surrounded by organs such as a brain, heart, lungs, liver, stomach, intestines, and kidneys. The idea is for kids to color in the organs, read the accompanying descriptions, and in so doing learn basic human anatomy.
But according to the commissioners, there’s nothing to prevent children from coloring sex organs onto the figures. And drawing one sex’s organs onto a figure of another sex. The commissioners think that’s akin to gender affirmation surgery, which transitions people to their self-identified gender. Only in this case, it’s gender affirmation coloring. So the commissioners banned those coloring books. Including one which lets a child color a cock.
Naturally, the commissioners strengthened Midlanders’ Second Amendment rights. They implemented an ordinance based on a Florida law which lets people carry concealed firearms without undergoing a background check, receiving safety training, or obtaining a permit.⁶.
But the commissioners one-upped DeSantis. Residents can own firearms which are carried; they can also have ones which are driven. Consequently, people have purchased Army-surplus tanks and ammunition.
What do residents do with their tanks? Run errands, of course. To the grocery, pharmacy, hardware store, and dry cleaner. The hair salon and barber shop. The post office. To doctor, dentist, and veterinarian appointments. Take the kids to school. And the family to church on Sunday. Tanks are especially good for Winter driving. There’s no need to wait until the plows have gotten out there. Not if you’ve got a tracked armored vehicle in your driveway. No SUV handles snow-clogged streets better.
Though residents don’t need a permit to own a tank, they still need a license. And a road test to get one. To learn how to avoid mishaps like the one below.
Being Republicans, the commissioners couldn’t resist going after drag queens. They passed an ordinance which, like Florida House Bill 1423,⁸ prohibits men from wearing women’s clothing in public if it’s “patently offensive to prevailing standards in the adult community.”
Then they went Florida one better. The commissioners banned male mannequins in store windows from wearing women’s clothing. In other words, they made it illegal to be a “dragnequin.” Oh, and the law requires the figures to wear underwear. Because it’s indecent for a mannequin to go “commando.”
Finally, the commissioners require schools to promote “abstinence from sexual activity.” That it’s the only surefire “way to avoid pregnancy [and] sexually transmitted diseases.” And that abstinence can work, because “each student has the power to control [their] personal behavior.”
As usual, the commissioners based their law on a Florida statute.⁹ But they’re not stupid. They know that pushing abstinence won’t prevent pregnancies. Condoms could. But the commissioners prohibited schools from offering them to students. So they directed schools to offer students something more effective than condoms: chastity belts. Specifically, the model shown below. In each school’s colors, of course.
[1]: “A breakdown of the language in Florida’s so-called ‘don’t say gay’ bill”, Tampa Bay Times, https://www.tampabay.com/news/florida-politics/2022/03/29/a-breakdown-of-the-language-in-floridas-so-called-dont-say-gay-bill/
[2]: “Dow Chemical crews find dioxin levels above 250 ppt at 22 Midland properties out of 150 tested”, MLive, https://www.mlive.com/midland/2012/09/dow_crews_starts_dioxin_testing_at_50_midland_properties_city_cleanup_ahead_of_schedule.html
[3]: “DeSantis brings war on ‘woke’ to Michigan, teases run against Trump”, Bridge Michigan, https://www.bridgemi.com/michigan-government/desantis-brings-war-woke-michigan-teases-run-against-trump
[4]: “Rule of Law vs. Rule by Law”, Van Norman Law, https://vannormanlaw.com/rule-law-vs-rule-law/
[5]: SB 148, Florida Senate, https://www.flsenate.gov/Session/Bill/2022/148/Analyses/2022s00148.pre.ed.PDF
[6]: “Florida Book Bans Are No Hoax: Here Are The Facts”, Pen America, https://pen.org/florida-book-bans-not-a-hoax/
[7]: “Florida has OKed permitless concealed carry”, Tallahassee Democrat, https://www.tallahassee.com/story/news/politics/2023/03/31/florida-approves-concealed-weapons-firearms-guns-without-a-permit-what-that-means/70067814007/
[8]: “Florida bill defines drag shows as ‘serious danger to public health & safety’ for kids”, WFLA-TV, https://www.wfla.com/news/politics/florida-bill-defines-drag-shows-as-serious-danger-to-public-health-safety-for-kids/
[9]: Florida Statute, Title XLVIII, Chapter 1003.46,“Health Education”, Florida Legislature, http://www.leg.state.fl.us/statutes/index.cfm?App_mode=Display_Statute&URL=1000-1099/1003/Sections/1003.46.html
