The Dirty Dozen
Not all hens are created equal
Can you believe the crazy racket that’s the price of eggs lately?
The higher-priced ones ( at over ten bucks a dozen!) all have these nifty descriptors like, “Tended by hand”. What, do they have a butler? “Happy hens”, Yeah, but how does one truly define happiness? Have you asked them? “Freedom to forage outdoors YEAR-round!” “Fresh air!”, “Sunshine!” Geez, with the bar set that low…
And, with so many different types to choose from. How on earth are we supposed to know which ones are really the healthiest?
Well, have no fear because, in the quest for choosing the best eggs for your buck, I’ve conducted a thorough investigation into each of the different egg classifications, eliminating all the guesswork, so you can get a better sense of what you’re paying for at the grocery store.
Pasture-raised, aka Yacht access eggs:
These eggs are so expensive because they are laid by the top one percent of hens. These fine feathered creatures spend their days lollygagging on their yachts and are not only free to roam but also to sail anywhere in the world if they get back to the farm in time for egg laying. (because egg-laying on a yacht would be ridiculous!) This is a very risky business model for farmers, as many have reported that yacht hens will bribe the captain to keep the party rolling instead of docking at the farm. Other yacht hens have found this luxurious life a bit blasé, developed a serious case of ennui, and have jumped ship. AWOL yacht hens have been spotted on the islands of Fiji and the Dominican Republic, and they’re not hard to spot with their dewy feathers, designer sunglasses, and pedicured feet.
These eggs tend to taste like fine champagne, expensive caviar, and a hint of entitlement.
Price: A whopping $10.49 a dozen. (And expect them to increase weekly)
Cage-free, aka Witness Protection Eggs.
These eggs are laid by hens typically housed together with the same crime family, and if a farmer attempts to “hand tend” them, they risk losing a finger. While they don’t have the cushy life of a Yacht hen, they are free to roam around the one house they live in…forever. And it’s a good thing because no one can tell these hens what to do. Occasionally a witness protection hen will tire of the monotony of this life and attempt an escape. Stories of these hens escaping are legendary but usually don’t end well. Rumor has it that some have “drowned” in the Hudson River and others have been found in shallow graves off the Long Island Expressway.
But, on the flip side, people have said these eggs taste a bit like your Italian grandma’s linguini in a homemade marinara. (And I dare you to call it sauce!)
Price: $8.99 a dozen. You got a problem with that?
Free-range, aka Influencer eggs:
Although Influencer hens roam inside freely and are granted a bit of outdoor access, these hens are known for being the most annoying and uncooperative of the bunch. Farmers are constantly waiting for them to lay eggs after this “one last shot”, and struggle to get the right food for their ever-changing, trendy diets. The farmers of influencer hens are known to have nervous breakdowns and quit because they can’t handle the constant attention and coddling that these hens require. Your typical, hard-working farmer doesn’t want to be asked ONE…MORE…TIME, to hold the camera, try their new probiotic, or reassure them that they look thin in their “eclectic grandpa” sweater.
These eggs taste a bit like blue light contamination, mushroom coffee, and narcissism.
Price: $6.49 a dozen. (But use the promo code Influencer at check out for 20 percent off)
Factory-farmed, aka Jailbird eggs:
It’s a hard knock life for these hens, as they are kept indoors in the most restrictive of conditions because they’re literally serving time. They live 24/7 in a tight cage, with almost no room for movement, for a wide range of barnyard offenses such as hen homicide, defecating on their neighbor, pecking out the eyeballs of cheating roosters, and general backtalk to the farmers. Sometimes these hens will manage to tunnel out to freedom. But life on the run for a jailbird hen isn’t any great shakes either, and many end up begging for their old jobs back.
It has been said that these eggs taste like shame, guilt, and poor life choices…but hey, they’re cheap!
Price: $2.49 a dozen. (Only with the right coupon)
I sure hope this serves to clear things up for you the next time you’re perusing the egg aisle. And remember what these hens have to endure just to provide us with the tasty eggs we take for granted.
DISCLAIMER: No hens were harmed in the writing of this essay. This was written purely for humor, and the writer believes all hens have the right to the finest amenities!
