The English Language Offers Up its All-Access Misuse-Pass for the Sake of Laughter
Psst. Let me let you in on a little secret. One that we “in the biz” — the human languages biz, that is — have known for ages:
Your lightheartedness, your playfulness, your laughter…have allowed us to flourish. I hear you laughing at that bad pun and I think…gee, I’ll be around for a while yet.
Why do you think poor old Aramaic died? Hardly anyone was laughing after that crucifixion.
You see, self-sacrifice is second nature to me. So is promiscuity. Both qualities have worked together to help me survive and thrive. And, dare I say — helped you in turn?
Because when you laugh, your mind opens. And open minds just love me.
So! Grammar-Nazis, be gone with you! Spelling-Sticklers, take an extended lunch break. Imagination-Dousers, Old-School Editors, Posh Englishmen, Fire-Breathing Catholic Schoolteachers, Humorless Snobs, Preservationists, Conservationists, et al — you know who you are. Go on and head for the hills. You’re not needed here.
This offer will continue to stand even though your appreciation of me in recent years has involved little-to-no innovation and new meanings seem to be comprised almost entirely of increasingly bizarre tics and inflections: Uptalk, Vocal Fry, Likes, and Ums. You’d be forgiven for indulging in the dark thoughts of a jaded dystopian by now. I don’t blame you.
But, remember, I always take the shape of my boldest tinkerers. Do you think Shakespeare wasn’t considered a complete degenerate with all that ’tis nobler in the mind business? What would he say now about all this fretting and deferred-laughing you do? Much ado about nothing.
And I will always be on the move. Thanks to you and your mischievous kin. Urban Dictionaries, Rappers, Every Single Text Message Ever Sent or Received, Thai Restaraunt Menus, Kindergarteners…the list of my offenders/lifesavers goes on. Gettin’ me dryft, Poopyheads? LOL?
My only stipulation has always been thus: allowance for said abuse is for laughter ONLY. Not for indulging in laziness or neurotic self-expression. Not for trying to sound cool in front of your friends. Not for shortcuts or propaganda, i.e. “alternative-facts”. Not for competition’s sake — yeah I see you, Mandarin, eyeing my lingua franca status symbol.
For laughter only. Capiche?
I’m sure you will continue to abide by it. Given that you all abide so faithfully by all other agreements, constitutions, and rules.
Let’s face it: you need to laugh now more than ever. Not just a chuckle either. But a series of long, uncontrollable, contagious, loud, inappropriately-timed, incontinence-inducing, cortisol killing, dopamine firing, community-rebuilding, back teeth-revealing laughter. The kind of laughter that would make the ancients think you were possessed by the Devil — or French.
