The Eulogy of Clarence Chad Chadwick, Persona Non Grata
It is with exceeding difficulty that I present to you, the congregation of three people and a groundhog that wandered in from outside, the eulogy of Clarence Chad Chadwick, underachiever. I state this is difficult not because I am emotionally invested in the deceased. I never knew him and don’t know what to say about him, but he stated in his living will that he wished for me to give his eulogy. I believe that I was selected when he closed his yearbook then let it fall open, where it happened to land on my page. Presumably, I was the best two out of three.
In high school, Clarence Chad Chadwick substantiated himself as a student who made no accomplishments and was noticeably absent from the Honor Roll for four consecutive years. Clarence Chad Chadwick’s yearbook picture is missing because he was absent on picture day and no one can say for certain how he looked.
Clarence Chad Chadwick may or may not have graduated from high school, but it’s likely that he dropped out or failed. He attended trade school where he injured his thumb in a vice and abandoned his goal of working as a tradesman. He studied to be an electrician, stuck a fork in a socket and blew his shoes off. He didn’t graduate from this program either and relied heavily on welfare to sustain himself.
Clarence Chad Chadwick married an anonymous woman who hasn’t attended the funeral out of embarrassment. Mrs. Chad Chadwick refuses to admit she married Clarence and she has gone into hiding to escape public scrutiny. I went ahead and scrutinized her, discovering she married Clarence Chad Chadwick when they were homeless and living beneath a bridge. They met and almost fell in love but didn’t quite make it. No children resulted from the marriage and for that we are eternally grateful.
Clarence Chad Chadwick had no hobbies including stamp collecting which is the worst waste of time, ever. He habitually shopped at Walmart wearing a ballet tutu, a clown wig and doc martens, whereupon security guards arrested him and escorted him off the premises. He spent time in jail for what is termed Clarence Chad Chadwick’s Law. The law encompasses terrorizing Walmart shoppers by presenting an ungodly appearance in public. It is known as the most humiliating yet codswallop crime in the annals of criminal law.
Clarence Chad Chadwick racked up a gambling debt of one hundred thousand dollars by borrowing money and lying that he would pay it back. He was hospitalized many times when he was beaten up for his inability to repay his debt. Clarence Chad Chadwick wasn’t the sharpest bulb on the tree and he continued to gamble until he was beaten to death, explaining how he got here. The make-up artist did a fine job rebuilding his face with a prosthesis, but suggested we keep the lid down, so people still have no idea what he looked like.
I wish to thank the congregation, including the gentleman sitting at the back, who is now asleep and snoring, as well as the groundhog who has chewed a hole in the carpet and pooped on it, for attending. I would ask that the second gentleman, who I understand to be Clarence Chad Chadwick’s father and is naked from the waist down, to please pull your pants up before you get arrested on a new law named after you.
Go with God.
