Ornithological Etiquette
The Feeding Habits of the Blue-Blooded Butthead
Why ya gotta be a %!#&, bird?
Marvel as the yellow-bellied finch curls over the fat nut nugget at its feet. See as it takes its time, savoring every peck, unaware of the blue-blooded butthead edging closer on the fence above. Suddenly, in one smooth motion, the butthead swoops in to claim the prize, forcing the finch away without its supper.
Dick move, butthead.
This might seem like the natural order of things. Survival of the fittest, where the weak shall perish and the strong shall propagate. But that’s not the case here, in the microcosm of my side yard with a birdfeeder loaded from Amazon. I have inserted this into the ecosystem like another unnecessary Starbucks. Encased in that squirrel-proof phallus dangles bounty aplenty, freely offered. Enough food to feed a flock. There is no reason to steal from thy neighbor.
Wait your damn turn, bird.
Your time will come. See the line of customers up and down the fence waiting for a reservation? Proceed in an orderly fashion towards one of the six openings. And once you have your seat at the buffet, just relax. Eat up. Don’t jockey for position. There’s no point in pushing that black-crusted wren aside just to see if they have a better selection than you do.
Spoiler alert; They don’t. It’s just seeds and nuts. All the way down.
Don’t like the selection? Go suck a grub. This isn’t the only action in town. You guys did just fine before my feeder appeared. Hell, even after I opened shop it took months for any of you fuckers to notice my sweet treats. Maybe you were too prideful to take the free handout. Or maybe you just enjoy mugging each other.
Stop acting like animals. Where are your manners?
Speaking of manners, stop throwing shit everywhere. There’s no reason for it. I switched over to the “no waste food” to save you from bothersome things like shells and casings. It’s all premium meaty bits. But does that stop you from wasting the no waste food? No, it does not. Now you just spit out anything that doesn’t fit perfectly in your stupid little mouths. You’re worse than contestants in the pie eating contests flinging more food than you get down your gullet.
Wasteful and disgraceful.
Let’s recycle. There’s nothing wrong with all those discarded seeds. They pile up on the ground inches below only to be ignored because you think there’s something more interesting above in the feeder.
Still no. Seeds. Nuts. All the way down.
Why is it ok to slurp bugs from a dirty puddle but second-hand seeds are beneath you? Are you that lazy? Maybe the extra flight down to the ground would do you some good. Get a little exercise. You’re gonna eat yourselves sick. I don’t mean to body shame or anything, but gluttony is a cardinal sin. If any of you are actually cardinals. You might be, I don’t know. I should probably mention I don’t know the first thing about birds. I couldn’t tell a blue jay from a scrub jay or a sparrow from a swallow. I have no idea if there’s such a thing as a yellow-bellied finch or a black-crusted wren — pretty confident about the blue-blooded butthead though.
Despite my Ornithological ignorance, I do know it’s fun to watch. I appreciate having my own personal fight club throwing down outside my window. I feel a genuine connection to nature. A way to be part of the great outdoors from the comfort of my own home. A way to witness the struggle of the woodland creatures, even if that struggle is less Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom and more Real Housewives of New Jersey.
Are you not entertained?
Damn straight I am. So, embrace your inner-asshole, you puffy-eyed swifty and teach that blue- blooded butthead some lessons in manners! To the victor go the spoils and a free invitation to feast upon my nuts.
