Moms for Degeneracy
The First Day of 4th Grade, According to a Conservative
The chorus to “Girls and Boys” by Blur was a prophetic warning!!
Good morning, my pronoun-free comrades! Welcome to the 4th grade! I’ll be your English teacher this school year. I’m so pleased to make your acquaintance. You can call me Magenta since it’s my very favourite colour — you probably already guessed that, though, since it’s the colour of my hair!
I don’t plan on being super strict with you, so don’t worry! There’s only one serious rule in my classroom and it’s to keep your keffiyehs on at all times.
Now, I know you covered Das Kapital Volume 1 last year with Mx. Cockloather. Therefore, it shouldn’t surprise you that we’ll be covering Volume 2 together this year — c’mon, no eye-rolling! You’re going to love it as much as you loved The Process of Production of Capital. I promise!
Seeing as how English happens to be the first class of the day, I thought I’d go over what you can expect from some of your other 4th-grade teachers — yes, I was sure to ask for permission to do so beforehand. Consent is super important. This will be more of an overview; those other teachers will go into further detail when you’re with them, and you can ask them any questions that come to mind. Even ones about your gender identity, which I bet most of you have! It’s totally natural to wonder whether you’re really a boy or a girl at your age; I did the same thing when I was young. Your parents and grandparents did, too! They may tell you differently, but it’s only because they grew up in an era when people weren’t encouraged to be open about it and weren’t comfortable. You’re all fortunate to be children when such an abundance of gender-nonconforming creators share their stories publicly. Imagine if acceptance had happened sooner. Your grandpa might’ve been a contestant on Ru Paul’s Drag Race. How beautiful!
Where was I? Yes, that’s right — your other lessons and teachers! Well, for Moral ED this year you’ll have Ms. Pegging. She studied at Harvard. Impressive, no? During the first half of the academic term, she’ll demonstrate the parallels between the Judeo-Christian God and Thanos. Then, after winter break, you’ll be asked to read and memorize the real Ten Commandments. Let me sneak in one spoiler so you can have just a tiny advantage — the 5th Commandment is Thou Shalt Vaccinate.
Hehe, don’t let her find out I told you!
For Science, you’ll have Mr. Soyjak. He’ll provide each of you with your own globe and utility knife, then ask that you stab the globe at least 100 times. The sad reality is that if your family has a grass lawn or doesn’t bring reusable bags to the grocery store, they are stabbing our planet over and over. What if it were you? Wouldn’t that hurt? Your blood would be everywhere, but your screaming wouldn’t do anything to stop the onslaught. You would cry out, “Why??” as the life drained out of you. Mr. Soyjack wants you to picture that every night before you go to bed, and honestly, so do I! Picture yourself being killed, but nobody cares. That’s the predicament Earth is in. We’re tearing out its guts and its eyes! Humanity selfishly feasts upon its very heart.
Lunch hour will still take place every day at noon! Your lunch monitor hasn’t changed; it’ll continue to be Ms. Freenip. The routine with her will be the same — before you sit and eat, you must let her inspect your lunch box. If she finds any processed meats, they go in the trash! No ifs, ands or buts! Please remind your parents of what’s appropriate to pack for you, ok? Say to your moms, “Mommy, baloney will give me cancer!” Repeat it until she remembers. Ask your dad, “Do you want me to have cancer?” Practice it with me now — Daddy, do you want me to have cancer?
Good job, everybody! That was nice and clear!
As per usual, disposed of lunches will be replaced by delicious NoChicken™ chicken nuggets.
Mr. BadDragon has you for Drama, and his goal for the 4th graders this year is to put on a stage version of Call Me By Your Name. It sounds exciting and I can’t wait to see your performances in it!
Hmm, what’s next? Oh, gym! Gym class will be with Ms. Borderline, and she’ll be supervising the Daily Humbling Ritual. You’re familiar with how it works: The biological males line up against the wall, and the biological females face them and boo for 10 minutes. Girls, you really need to push yourselves to boo for the whole 10-minute stretch; it’s a necessary catharsis in our patriarchal society. It helps you build healthy self-esteem, and it helps the boys on their journey to becoming good men — if it is men they wish to eventually become, of course. The Ritual is replacing recess this year — no need for those shocked noises! It’s always been part of the curriculum here to replace recess with The Humbling Ritual starting in grade 4. You won’t miss recess at all after a while, you’ll see!
Math and Music will be on the second floor this year with Mr. BetaSimp and Misc. Balless, respectively. Now that you have a handle on Emotional Addition and Subtraction, Mr. BetaSimp will guide you through Emotional Multiplication and Division. If you’re progressing smoothly, he might even touch upon Emotional Fractions. What percentage of happiness is one joy over five glees? By the spring, many of you may be able to answer that! As for Music, Misc. Balless would like me to communicate that they have one major project spanning the entirety of the school year: Together, you will be constructing a new national anthem! Everyone will participate in writing lyrics that are more inclusive than those in our current national anthem. You’ll decide what instruments best fit the song you make and be shown the basics of playing these instruments. Fun!
Lastly, there’ll be Art twice a week with Ms. Independent. She has lots of ideas to explore with you! In addition to having you personalize your own Molotov cocktails and setting up a contest to see who makes the most creative protest sign, she intends to teach you how to crochet. When you get the hang of it, you’ll be crocheting babies for the school to send to our local abortion clinic as a show of appreciation! The doctors and nurses there — AKA: the heroes! — may keep some of your babies to decorate with, but many will be raffled off at a fundraiser. With the money raised, the clinic can continue supplying easily accessible abortions to women and people with uteruses for generations to come!
Don’t forget to make your babies diverse, comrades! Babies of all races are aborted daily, and they should all be represented.
That just about wraps it up for my little introduction! There are still 30 minutes before the bell rings; that means there’s enough time to begin the first assignment I have prepared for you. It’s been specially prepared for my white students — are you listening? I would like you to write 200 words on the following topic: How Can I, A Descendent of Ruthless Colonizers, Be More Supportive Of My POC Friends? Understood? My POC students — hey! You may take out your Nintendo Switch or tablet and play some Minecraft, Animal Crossing or whatever you like!
