As Told To….
The Genitals Greeting Of a Simpler Age.
I have been asked why I got into writing and I usually reply its good for the spirit and the soul.
The truth is however a little more grounded than that. The Money.
Like many reasonable, educated, cultured and erudite men. I find the best conversation starter with many of the opposite sex to be an unsolicited “dick pic” as they have become known. I prefer the name genital greeting, as they used to be called in a gentler time.
With the explosion of digital technologies, and the sudden growth in dick pics popularity with ne’er-do-wells blasting them out to any old wench and giving those of us who use them as a thoughtful, contemplative and dare I say it exciting opening gambit a bad name. Nowadays I find it a little harder to stand out from the crowd.
That is why I stopped with the greetings in there traditional form, moving on to presenting self-drawn charcoal etchings instead. These were not as effective as I hoped they would be, presumably because drawn from my perspective every one looked like looking down on squidwards head from above and charcoal itself smudges and is quite dirty. Making it difficult to carry the necessary supplies with me, should I need to dash off an etching in a work broom cupboard or roadside service station.
Then it dawned on me dear reader, that perhaps oil was a more suitable medium. Now I dabble in watercolours but I am no artist.
I commissioned a 8'x4' oil painting of the old brigadier. I was stunned. I was filled with joy I haven’t felt since I pushed that first Polaroid in to Bridget McCluskeys hands on the playing fields of my exclusive and expensive boarding school.
I can feel in my loins that this is the future. I immediately knew I would need more. I set about assembling a team of artists to produce the vast number of paintings I require. As you can imagine I distribute many each week from work do’s, drinks with friends, while running errands and usually two or three when I accompany Mother to church.
Once dry the painting need framing. Once framed packaging up and shipping to the lucky recipient (it became impracticable to have two or three on me at all times). Of course there’s now the extra step of deducing where she lives to send the painting to and not getting caught as I find out. As you can imagine these extra steps are all costly, hence the need for the extra money.
While i do miss the immediacy of a picture sent across a crowded room and that spark in the recipients eye that frisson if you will. It’s more than made up for by knowing what an impact on someones day I am having with my number stencilled on the back I imagine the response will overwhelming.
Funny really, an oil genital greeting is how my Great Grandfather would have introduced himself to my Great Grandmother..………. Every thing old is new again.
As told to Billy Maguire
