The GOP’s Political Glossary

So you want to be a Republican?

David Martin
Mar 3 · 3 min read
Photo by Markus Winkler on Unsplash

Say you’re a young conservative and you’re thinking of joining the Republican Party. Easy peasy. Just go to the state or national GOP website, give them your contact information and you’re in. No fee required although you’re free to make a donation if you’d like.

But that’s so easy, you’re saying, there must be more to it than that. Well, yes, but not much more. All the GOP asks of you is to familiarize yourself with their handy political glossary which defines the following terms:

Antifa

This is short for anti-fascist and usually refers to a loose-knit affiliation of like-minded folks who fight fascism. But for you, Antifa is the answer to any question asking who started this or that riot, demonstration or insurrection. It’s kind of like the Republican version of “the dog ate my homework.”

Fake News

This one’s a little tricky since you’re probably thinking that fake news means news that is false but it’s a bit more complicated than that. Fake news is actually real, truthful news that does not conform to the Republican Party’s perception of reality. If you don’t agree with someone’s views but you don’t have any facts to back you up, just label those views fake news.

Cancel Culture

Another mechanism for shutting down debate is cancel culture. If someone criticizes your opinion on just about anything, just shout at them and tell them they’re engaging in cancel culture. The fact that no one is trying to restrict your First Amendment rights is essentially irrelevant. See also “political correctness.”

Rigged Election

As you’re undoubtedly aware, the only sensible vote is one for the Republican Party. So if someone claims that another party won a particular election, they clearly must be wrong unless everyone in that jurisdiction is a moron or the election was rigged. Since you won’t want to offend any potential moronic Republican voters, always claim the “lost” election was rigged.

Democrat Party

This is our name for the Democratic Party since the last thing they are is democratic. That’s not true but it’s OK because it really pisses them off. Someone might ask why we don’t call our party the Republic Party but that’s not the same thing since we don’t believe in a republic.

What Aboutism

You’re going to run into people with superficially appealing arguments that the Republican Party is home to racists, sexists and bigots. There’s no need to contest the fine points; simply say “what about” and add in the name of any Democrat (not Democratic) party, organization or politician. Game, set and match.

Second Amendment

This is your failsafe position when you feel like some Democrats think they’ve got you cornered with the truth. It’s the answer to just about any liberal, leftwing or socialist proposal. Universal healthcare? You’re trying to take away our guns. A $15 an hour minimum wage? Are you after our guns? Immigration reform? We’re going to need our guns.

Political Correctness

When you’re unhappy that someone is criticizing your use of sexist, racist or bigoted language, there’s no need to apologize or amend your views. Just label the supposedly offensive language “political correctness” and carry on. If you like, you can follow this up with a declaration that they’re trying to take away our guns.

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David Martin

Written by

David Martin has published several humor collections including “Dare to be Average” and “Screams and Whispers”, all of which are available on Amazon.

The Haven

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

David Martin

Written by

David Martin has published several humor collections including “Dare to be Average” and “Screams and Whispers”, all of which are available on Amazon.

The Haven

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

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