The Guinness Book of World Records Releases List of the Least Cool Names of All Time

Sorry Jeff

(Two images from Pexels that it took me waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too long to combine. Seriously. I spent far longer making this terrible picture than I did writing this mediocre drivel.)

The Guinness Book of World Records, that periodical trusted the world over to document who holds the record for most bananas shoved into her ear canal, has just released its list of the least cool names of all time.

If you find your name on this list I’M NOT SORRY. Not even slightly. In fact, you should apologize to me immediately for being so impossibly uncool. I’d recommend changing your name, but it’s too late. You’ve already been a Deborah too long.

Karen — Not only is Karen an ugly sounding name, but it just so happens that absolutely everybody named Karen has unrealistically high expectations for the goods and services they receive. Is the soup really tepid, or is that just your cold cold heart you ungrateful bitch?

Jeff — You’re about as cool as quark-gluon plasma (look it up stupid. It’s fucking hot). The butt of every joke, you were born to disappear into the world of middle-management, emerging every few months as an unassuming neighbor with 2.3 kids who is neither fat nor in shape, neither well dressed nor a slob, neither interesting nor worthy of love.

Christine — John Carpenter and Stephen King really did their best to make you cool in 1983, turning you into a killer car…