The Handmaid’s Tale Ruined My Hair, and WTH, Heather?
I’m sorry, Heather. I love you, I do. I know we went to high school together, and I never believed those rumors about your mom. And I love, love, love Salon Soul. But you can’t cut my hair anymore.

My life is ruined. Ruined. By you.
I told you I wanted my hair cut like Aurora. In Passengers. Do you know how many pictures I saved so I could show you exactly what I wanted? Me neither, but it was a shit ton, Heather. A. Shit. Ton. Aurora asleep. Aurora meeting Jim. Aurora and Jim in the pool. (Yaaaassss!) Aurora drowning. Aurora at the bar finding out that Jim woke her from space sleep 90 years early, that selfish asshole, and ruined her life JUST LIKE YOU RUINED MINE! Except she forgave him, because he loved her and also she didn’t want to be alone like your mom, but I’m not going to forgive you.

I mean, my eyebrows look ok? And my nails are gorgeous — Jenny always picks just the right color because she knows how I love neutrals, but WTH, Heather? How could you do this to me?
I don’t look like Aurora. At all. I look like whats-her-name, from Handmaid’s Tale. Elizabeth Moss. Offred. Before she had to start wearing the white hood, obviously, which I will probably have to start wearing now, haha.
I didn’t watch it, because it was depressing and weird and I am surrounded by politics all day long, I do NOT need them on my Hulu. Anyway, why would they do that to their names? I would be Ofjason! There would be so many of those! It would be super confusing.
My mom would be Oflarry! What would your mom be, Heather? Hahaha! JK!
You’ve changed. We don’t care about the same things anymore. I figured it out while I was putting on my Carmen Miranda costume for that Arts and Humanities benefit. (Sooo hard to keep fruit on your head, but I nailed it!) I was watching Pretty Little Liars when the preview came on, and it was suddenly SO OBVIOUS. When I saw that part where she loses her job and then the soldiers are taking her daughter and dragging her away? I saw what Elizabeth Moss’ hair looked like in that show, Heather! Do you know what her hair looked like? Not Aurora, that’s what!
I must have cried for an hour at the Mojito Bar.
So, I guess no tip for you, and no more fundraisers for me for a while, because now everyone will think I am trying to make a political statement or something. I’m all for smashing the patriarchy, but not with my hair! I am resisting you, Heather! This is worse than the time I asked for Kristin Bell in Bad Moms and I ended up looking like Taylor Schilling in OITNB and that is IT! You are fired.
Also I had to give Salon Soul a one-star rating on Yelp because actions have consequences. I will not be returning, except for mani-pedis because Jenny gets me. Yay, Jenny! Boo, Heather! Unless I’m in a hurry and you have an opening.

