The Hilarious Evolution of Email Marketing from “You’ve Got Mail” to “We’ve Got Your DNA”
An amusing take on the ubiquitous marketing medium we love to hate.
Email marketing is the cockroach of digital marketing, defying obsolescence amidst the never-ending explosive technology changes around it!
When tweets have replaced lengthy letters, and emojis convey the most complex emotions, one unsung hero has quietly stood the test of time — the mighty email.
From its modest origins as a text-based newsletter over screeching dial-up connections to the dazzling, hyper-personalized campaigns now gracing our inboxes, it just keeps thriving.
As an ode to the medium, let’s dissect what a typical marketing email from a specific era would reveal about the tactics used during that time, as if it had taken a shot of truth serum.
So, let’s hop aboard this fun-poking time machine.
1990s: The Get-Rich-Quick Era (‘cause No One Wants to Get Rich Slowly)
In the distant cyber-land of the 1990s, email marketing was a wild west of plain text messages. Your inbox was a barren desert with messages that read like classified ads for dubious money-making schemes. It was the era of simplicity — if by “simple,” we mean “mind-numbingly dull.”
Subject: “Get Rich Before Breakfast: The Secret They Don’t Want You to Know”
Hey anyone,
Tired of that slow crawl to financial freedom? So are we! We know you want money because who doesn’t? Introducing the fastest way to get rich, and it’s as easy as clicking a shady link.
LINK: Launch Your Career as a Scrooge McDuck
Don’t wait around for a slow and steady income. Join the fast lane to prosperity and become a financial superstar by brunchtime! Hurry up and watch your bank account explode with cash. BOOM!
[Too Good to Be True Co.]
2000s: When Your Inbox First Became a Digital Stalker
Fast forward to the early 2000s, and email marketing experienced a mini-revolution. Gone were the days of generic salutations. Instead, emails suddenly knew your name, greeting you like a long-lost friend at a hi-tech reunion.
“Hi [FIRST%NAME]” became the cool kid on the email marketing block. It was like getting a personalized greeting card from a robot who knew just enough about you to seem friendly but not enough to be creepy.
Subject: “John, We’re a Computer Program, but We Still Know Your Name, John”
Hey John,
Surprised to see your name in the subject line, John? We just wanted to say, we know your name is John. While we can’t remember your birthday or your favorite color, we can offer you an exclusive deal that’s almost as good.
For a limited time, use code “FIRSTNAME15” at checkout to get 5% off your next purchase. That’s right, John, 5% off just for you! (And the other 283 FIRSTNAMES in our database).
Pretending to Know You Well,
[RobotGreeters Inc.]
2010s: Emails That Knew You Better Than Your Grandma
As we entered the 2010s, email marketing sharpened its focus with segmentation. It was no longer a one-size-fits-all game. Marketers began to divide their audience into segments based on interests, behaviors, and preferences.
Finally, emails had a touch of personalization beyond just the name. It was like a buffet of content, with each recipient getting their preferred dish… or close… or not!
Subject: “Our Semi-Personalized, Over-Generalized Shopping Picks for You (and 1000s others as unique as you)!”
Hi Melissa,
We’ve been up to some very ethical, and not at all questionable tactics. Ahem! Brace yourself — we’ve got fashion finds bespoke for you because we know you once visited forever21.com.
Our algorithm only tells us that you’re young and you’re female, so we just assume you’re going to love our hot pink, furry, sofa cushions. Because women!
Stay pink,
[Laughable Couture]
Late 2010s: Emails That Peer Through Your “Windows” (a.k.a. Search History)
Enter the late 2010s, and email marketing took a leap into the future with AI-powered recommendations. AI! YESSS!
Suddenly, your inbox seemed like it had a crystal ball. It knew your interests, your browsing history, and what you secretly coveted. No more generic emails for the fitness enthusiast receiving cake recipes or vice versa.
Emails transformed into digital shopping assistants, offering personalized product recommendations that made you wonder if your email had been peeking through your wish list.
Subject: “Unlock Eerily Personalized Fitness Tips!”
Hey Wannabe Schwarzenegger,
We know you’ve been crushing those gym sessions and eating kale like it’s going out of style. We’re not saying we’ve got a surveillance van parked outside, but we’ know.
We’ve crafted a fitness plan just for you.
Prepare to have your mind blown with workouts that’ll make you question your life choices, and nutritious recipes so on-point, you’ll think we’ve been spying on your grocery list. Buy today because who has seen tomorrow!
Always watching,
[Your Friendly Neighborhood Stalker-Man]
Present (2020s): Emails That Know More About You Than Your Therapist
Now, here we are in the roaring 2020s, where email marketing has reached new heights of wildness. Emails are no longer just about what you’ve done in the past; they’re about what you might do in the future. Say what?
Behavioral trigger emails have taken center stage. Your every move— from clicking on a link to abandoning a shopping cart — triggers emails tailored to your behavior.
It’s like having a personal email genie who is one step ahead of you. Talk about sorcery!
Subject: “We Know What You’ll Do Next Summer, David…”
Hi David,
Hold onto your sun hat because our crystal ball is whispering secrets about your next summer. That’s right, we know about your still-to-be-booked beach escapade and even your favorite gelato flavors you’re likely to gobble there.
It’s all in the algorithm, er, air!
So, while you were probably just minding your own business, we’ve been crafting the ultimate summer experience for you. Your beach towels, sunscreen, and a stylish pair of flip-flops are waiting. Click below and make our psychic prediction come true.
Sunnily obsessed,
[Summer Shenanigans Syndicate]
Now That We’ve Seen Everything…
As we close the lid on our time-travel, one thing is clear: email is the relentless phoenix of the digital marketing universe. It’s like that pesky mosquito at a summer picnic — annoying, persistent, but strangely vital.
So, what lies ahead in the email saga? Scary-ultra-accurate predictive emails that read your mind like even you couldn’t?
Maybe they’ll offer job advice the moment you have your first spat with the boss and even argue with your smart fridge over milk expiration dates.
Well, prepare for emails that are equal parts spine-chilling and indispensable.
In the grand theater of marketing, email will forever play its starring role as the drama queen of your inbox.
Deepshikha Arora is a certified content writer, seasoned SEO pro, and lifelong learner. With an extensive background in digital marketing and SaaS, she is adept at crafting content that captures readers’ hearts and catches Google’s attention — read clicks :) She has a track record of driving traffic and audience engagement, and brings a wealth of experience to every word she writes. Get in touch to supercharge your content strategy — https://deepshikha.carrd.co/
