The Canadian Conundrum
The Hockey League Canada Needs
The ‘aggressive expansion’ that this nation’s infrastructure cannot support
Everyone knows how lucrative the NHL has been over time. It’s so financially explosive that it can afford to expand to unconventional hockey markets in Las Vegas and Seattle. That’s all great, but for the sake of the much less than probable, I have compiled a list of 32 locations in Canada for an all-Canadian professional hockey league.
Eastern Conference
- Cape Breton Vegetable Crackers
Come on, I mean, it’s right there in the name of the location. How do you not call a Cape Breton hockey team after a type of Breton brand crackers?
2. Ecum Secum Demons
Going for the triple-slant rhyme is to Ecum Secum’s benefit. Perhaps one of the less slapstick of team names, but just as important as any other.
3. Fredericton Freddies
I mean, who better to conceptualize a team around than Freddie Mercury? This team could go from being Under Pressure to performing The Miracle in a pinch.
4. Goose Bay Geese
I mean, it’s right in the name of the location. You would have to be a silly goose to not name a team situated in Goose Bay, the Geese.
5. Halifax Machines
I mean, this team would probably be a nightmare to engage with in trade talks or anything requiring documentation given how fax machines are largely a thing of the past, but this team would surely be faxinating on paper.
6. Hamilton Federalists
As an avid fan of Lin-Manuel Miranda’s hit musical Hamilton (2016), it’s difficult to not make at least a slight reference to that musical, even though Hamilton in Ontario has nothing to do with the ten-dollar founding father.
7. Iqaluit Non-Sequiturs
It turns out that, according to RhymeZone, no word in the English language comes remotely close to even having a slant rhyme in common with Iqaluit. I had to get a little inventive and at least rhyme with a syllable within a selected team name, prompting the Non-Sequiturs to be the name of choice. It’s kind of perfect though, because as this team name bears a relative lack of precedent, the expectations for the team will be likewise.
8. Labrador Hounds
Labrador… truly the Odie to Newfoundland’s Garfield, hence the obvious need for this team to have a dog-oriented team name.
9. London Bridges
Of the 29 regions of the world titled ‘London,’ London, Ontario has absolutely nothing to do with the famous London Bridge in the United Kingdom. However, it could pose as an adequate homage to the relationship between Canada and the UK. Plus, I’m sure London, Ontario has its fair share of contrastingly different bridges compared to the iconic one overseas.
10. Montreal Malignants
Probably not the most pleasant thing to look at, but the NHL equivalent isn’t much better.
11. Newfoundland Eurekas
What do you do when you’ve found new land? Yell “Eureka!”
12. Ottawa Otters
It’s that beginning syllable! It’s kind of an obvious team name, especially with the Erie Otters being a team in the Ontario Hockey League, but the Otters deserve more professional representation!
13. Quebec City Kitties
This is the team that would pose as the complete opposite of the NHL’s Arizona Coyotes. Coyotes are a rather dangerous animal, but the team’s success in the NHL has gotten to the point of rumours of relocation. To contrast that, I would imagine the Quebec City Kitties to be a shockingly successful team despite having a team name that doesn’t exactly sound like much of a threat.
14. St. John’s Johnnies
It would be advantageous for this team to have as many forwards named John as possible so that when they score there was indeed Johnny on the spot.
15. Thunder Bay Thunder
If the Tampa Bay Lightning are allowed to be a team in the NHL, then the Thunder Bay Thunder are more than welcome to bring the thunder to this hypothetical Canadian hockey league of craziness.
16. Toronto Cabled Cheese
Anyone who knows me will know that I’m a die-hard Toronto Maple Leafs fan, so I wanted to pay homage to the team I cheer for with something that rhymes with ‘Maple Leafs’ (loosely). Any cheese connoisseurs and people who enjoy pointing out technical mistakes will be quick to identify that it’s actually called a cheese wire, but for the sake of fulfilling the rhyme, the team is the Toronto Cabled Cheese.
Western Conference
- Calgary Old Men
Gary Oldman of British film and television fame, owns this franchise. ‘Nuff said.
2. Churchill Winstons
For having absolutely nothing to do with Churchill, Manitoba while also being one of the most quotable figures in history, this quote of Winston Churchill sums up this team in a nutshell: ‘A gentleman does not have a ham sandwich without mustard.’
3. Edmonton Angels
Do you know how when referring to a cousin of your parents’ generation, you would say that they’re your cousin once removed? Well, this is a reference to a person that is once removed, in a literary sense, that only one person will probably understand… I hope.
4. Flin Flon Flip Flops
This just seemed like a no-brainer. How do you not call a Flin Flon hockey team the Flin Flon Flip Flops? Try saying that ten times fast!
5. Fort McMurray Jury
This team gives a new meaning to being “a jury of peers.” I can only imagine how insane video reviews would be in games against this team.
6. Hudson Bay Ashtrays
A likely rival to the Churchill Winstons would have to be the Hudson Bay Ashtrays. You never know, Churchill could be tapping out (or on) the Hudson Bay team.
7. Lethbridge Fridges
Okay, this is one that I weirdly put a lot of thought into. I mean, the rhyme is obvious, but the mascot would surely be a polyester refrigerator with fully functional doors and a working cooling unit inside where it would store beverages to hand out to the crowd.
8. None-Of-It from Nunavut
If you’re wondering why you can’t see a photo just above here, I promise you it is no glitch. The team name, reminiscent of The Mighty Ducks of Anaheim style of a name, and its logo supposes that the team camouflages with the colour of the ice so that their opponents can see none of it.
9. Prince George Gophers
With teeth like that, the Gophers would fit right into the forced rivalry of Princes.
10. Prince Rupert Rabbits
Also a combatant within the forced rivalry of Princes, who wouldn’t want to see rabbits fight gophers?
11. Regina Rascals
Inspired by the film The Little Rascals (1994), this team would embody the same energy that Alfalfa brought to the silver screen.
12. Saskatoon Sasquatches
It works both alliteratively, and presumably geographically in terms of where the Sasquatch has probably roamed.
13. Vancouver Van Covers
I mean, that’s how we all thought Vancouver was pronounced at some point in our lives, right? RIGHT?!
14. Whitehorse Black Stallions
Au contraire, mon frère! There’s really nothing more juxtaposed than the team for Whitehorse to be the Black Stallions.
15. Winnipeg Legged Pirates
A pirate from Winnipeg has both his legs, right? Wrong! You can’t spell ‘Winnipeg’ without ‘peg.’
16. Yellowknife Banana Blades
It’s low-key an epic team name, but it’s way more silly and goofy when you take it as literally as this.
On a final note, I think that Ryan Reynolds would serve as an exceptional commissioner for this Hypothetical Canadian Hockey League. The HCHL would certainly be super entertaining with him at the helm anyway. I mean, let’s not forget that Reynolds was part of the group that tried to purchase the Ottawa Senators before Michael Andlauer did. Ryan Reynolds' business savvy coupled with his undeniable personality doubles down on everything that the HCHL stands for.
