The Honest Truth About Women Getting Ready
Because…well. It ain’t that pretty
Girls, don’t you just hate all those wrongfully depicted commercials about women on their period? I mean, name one woman who wakes up that happy and ready to jump on her bed while going through those days.
TV commercials and magazines have created this surreal idea of the ‘Morning woman’ — the one who leaps out of bed by the first alarm, squeezes fresh oranges, and has eight almonds for breakfast, because, duh — calories.
I don’t about you, but I’ve never woken up that energized and determined to own the world
For all those ladies out there — stop believing women around the world wake up and start doing cardio right away. You don’t have to feel bad about yourself for cursing your alarm clock.
We all do it.
Frequent enough we have a piece of cake for breakfast.
Or have astonishingly bad breath in the morning.
Let’s be honest here — morning routines are an urban myth
So how does a typical morning look like in a nutshell?
- Your alarm clock goes off
You truly start to reconsider your goals in life and whether they are worth the hassle of crawling out of bed. I mean, you can always go back to your parents’ house and feel like a failure for the rest of your life for quitting your job. But then again, you like your independence. You curse like a pirate when he loses his compass and you get out of bed.
2. You pour yourself a gallon of coffee
Okay, fresh juice is truly amazing, but let’s face it — you can’t just simply skip the coffee and behave like Martha freakin’ Stewart in your pristine kitchen having a sip of orange juice while the birds are singing.
Instead, you smoke like a chimney while trying to figure out whether the cocktails last night were a good idea. Of course, they weren’t — you have a massive headache and are clueless about how in the world you are about to show up in the office on time looking normal.
3. You take a shower and slip in your bathtub
Hooray! As you are trying to get yourself back on your feet with all the soap and shower gel and shit all over, you acknowledge that you are out of shampoo. ‘Another bad hair day’ you murmur to yourself while vigorously massaging your hurt bottom.
4. Oh, you have enough time — let’s have another cup of coffee
As you get out of the shower, you check with your phone — nice, it’s only 7.30 and you don’t have to leave your apartment up until 8.30. You have plenty of time to indulge in some coffee time for ten minutes or so before applying to make up and picking up a knock out outfit.
So you play a music video while having your coffee. You start dancing. You keep on dancing. Two minutes later and you fantasize about entering the stage of a popular talent show and mesmerizing the judges with your amazing voice. You even have a speech. You thank your parents, the Academy, your dog and…
5. Shit, it’s 8.15
Applying eye-liner in those of circumstances is never a good idea — on the left side of your face, you look like Marylin Manson while on the right you barely have anything.
Ain’t no one got time for contouring.
Your hair is a mess — it’s wet and all over the place. When it comes to picking up an outfit, you realize that you forgot to do your laundry last night so, basically, you’re left with that gruesome sweater of yours — yet another day when you won’t simply dazzle everybody looking like Eva Longoria.
6. Time to get straight out
All right, where are your keys? Where is your favorite jacket? Is it even springtime already? How about those gorgeous boots you thought of wearing?
As you can’t find anything, you are already exhausted and ready to go back to bed.
But, come on, the day has just begun — you’re going to have an awesome time outside in the sunlight.
You go out. It’s raining.
On your way to your car, you step on dog shit.
