The Joe Rogan Apology-Cast
Whaddup, People –
It’s me, Joe “not a respected source of information” Rogan, again. Believe me, I’m almost as tired of hearing from me as civil society is. But all of my Joeheads out there know that, while I’m a self-described moron, I’m a 100% genuine moron 100% of the time. As it turns out, after I posted the most recent in my series of mea culpas, I recalled some other possible “oopsies” that the woke world we live in might take issue with. So, rather than weekly apology videos (heck, if I’m going down that road I might as well launch and monetize a confessional podcast…hmm). Anywho, I figured I’d just bang out one post that covers what I’m like maybe 80% sure are most of my media missteps. So, without further delay, let’s get it on!
Post-Movie Commentary — This one is on me. After having to sit thru entire movies without talking/interrupting, I have a Tourette’s-like reflex to blurt out unfiltered thoughts. So, yeah, as has been documented and now pod-deleted, the “feels like I’m in Africa” after seeing Planet of the Apes thing was idiotic. That’s why, without getting into the dirty deets, I’d like to say I’m sorry to anyone offended by my observations after seeing the following:
· The Wizard of Oz
· Schindler’s List
· The Greatest Showman
· Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory
· Fame
· The 30 minutes of Brokeback Mountain I watched
· Shang-Chi
· Little Women
· Silence of the Lambs
· Any movie dealing with a deadly virus
· Toy Story (in my defense, just not what I thought it was going to be)
Slurs — My usage of the N-word made “The Joe Rogan Experience” look terrible. I never should have done that to my podcast. But I’m not racist. I’m just a 56-year old man who probably hadn’t used that word in several years. But, like a prisoner released prematurely due to a too liberal court system, I want a clean slate. I’m reasonably sure I may have uttered some words and phrases as a younger man that I would never allow to be recorded today. So, I’d like to go ahead and apologize for any regretful language used in reference to:
· Jews
· Indians (both kinds)
· Midg — Little People
· People on rafts
· The Media (see first entry)
· Those on government assistance who are not the people I was talking about
· Science
· Dr. Fauci
· Italians (via Fauci association)
· Fatties
Seal Strikeforce — Okay, so this was a classic case of something that was hysterical when the crew and I brainstormed it one night while drinking Irish Car Bombs. I still think a contest to take five pod subscribers to Canada was a solid idea. Centering the grand prize around who could club the most baby seals in five minutes was, upon reflection, regretful. So, for any PETA people that may have been offended, I’m sorry.
Earth — Look, I’m just a regular Joe (wordplay…boom!) with a little $100 million podcast, so I don’t know why anyone is listening to me about climate issues. I already said I was probably not accurate when I said that environmentalists set the west coast wildfires. I was emotional because I could sometimes see the smoke when lifting off from my home helipad to fly to UFC matches. So, this one was personal. So, let’s go ahead and clear the air (see what I did there? That’s the kind of wit that makes the “Joe Rogan Experience” magical. Remember to smash “subscribe”!). I apologize to Earth if it was upset by any of the following patented JoeRo Hot Takes:
· Discussion of the Jewish Space Laser
· Disregard for wildlife (see: Seals, Baby)
· Being confused how so-called “global warming” jibes with places like Texas getting blizzards. Seriously, someone please explain it to me like I’m a first-grader
· Saying wind power is for p — — -s
· Contending that it’s all China’s fault (oh, I should probably add “the Chinese” to the slur list!)
Graphic Designers — All of the coverage I’ve been getting lately has featured my show logo and wow, it pretty much stinks, right? I never should have had the guys from Fear Factor bang it out on the cheap. New year/scrutiny — new me, so I’ll own this one.
Fans of 60s-70s Rock — Hey, I feel terrible about Neil Young and Joni Mitchell ditching Spotify because of me. But let’s call a spade a spade here. I’m keeping the $100 mil and I’m betting most of the fans who care are still original vinyl and cassette types. Let’s agree to disagree on this one but I’m for really sorry you can’t listen to “Both Sides Now” during water aerobics or morning mall walks.
Cheer (Netflix) — I really need to stay in my lane. All of the cast are great athletes. And, I now realize, that includes the dudes.
Okay, I think that covers most of the outstanding verbal landmines. If I forgot anything, I’m sorry. Yeesh — I have to say that so much lately. Know that I’m just trying to be provocative and entertaining and not in a weird RuPaul way. My lawyers (covered in the slur category) advised me to let them handle any future “misunderstandings” but I’m not just going to pimp them out like they are my hos. One thing I know is that, even in this politically correct hellscape of hall monitors and government nannies, a real man is in charge of his home (or podcast).
I’ll sign-off by quoting someone you might be surprised I selected because I think Mr. Neil Young said it best:
“There was a time when man stood strong, right was right and wrong was wrong… Name me a society that doesn’t love barbeque…I didn’t invent the middle finger, but I perfected the use of it.”
P.S. — I’ve been advised that the above should actually be attributed to Ted Nugent. Whoops.
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