The Killmore Girls!

A new streaming sensation coming soon to any service stupid enough to pay for this dumb idea!

Dear Head of New Media Acquisitions at [[Insert Name of Service Here]]:

A person like me can go years without knowing anything about a particular aspect of popular culture, and then one day without warning decide to dispel that happy state of natural ignorance with unnatural knowledge. In this case I decided to dispel not knowing about the Gilmore Girls by watching the Gilmore Girls.

It was in the middle of the second episode that I had my flash of inspiration, it was the kind of inspiration that leads one to making lots of money in mass media, at once original, brilliant, dumb as rocks, and completely derivative.

A hard combination to beat mentally or financially.

The name of this inspiration was —

THE KILLMORE GIRLS

A Mother and Daughter pair who live in small-town New England and deal with typical small town life problems who are also world-class assassins and killing shitloads of people who viewers will love to see killed in extremely interesting and creative ways!

The Killmore girls don’t just kill people in New England, they travel the world and kill people. But mainly they kill people on location in New England so as to save money on production. Maybe every year there can be a two-parter episode set in some foreign country where its fun to see people getting killed.

The arc of the first season will be the Mother being overprotective of the daughter and not letting her kill enough, and the daughter always finding clever ways to outwit the mother and kill even when she has been strictly forbidden from killing but told to only provide boring logistical support. As the season progresses the Mother comes to see that the Daughter really can be an effective killer and she should ease up on not letting her kill.

At the same time the Daughter is becoming attracted to a local boy and they finally kiss in the next to last episode of the season — what happens in the last episode? Cliffhanger! HE is a target for assassination!!

The Daughter will have to choose between being an efficient killer, stopping her mother from killing, true love — lots of drama setup for the next season!

I think that we can agree this is a big, big idea, bold and innovative yet at the same time so derivative it will remind the average viewer of many other media products they have loved over the years!

Reuse, Recycle, Rewards

As you know it is always nice if you can cut down costs of new development, so for example when you reuse a name and an idea updating it for a new generation and market it cuts the costs of market research, while allowing you to draw in the older generations who remember the product with some positive emotion — but in this case there are even more benefits to be had!

In my analysis of the original Gilmore Girls series I realized there were lots of characters, scenes, and dialog that could be reused only with added killing, explosions and general mayhem to up viewer buy-in!

For example this guy is still a guy who talks about environmental awareness and eating healthy, but really he is also an undercover Fed set to catch the Killmore Girls! But he is conflicted!

I figure it will be super cool and dramatic to kill him off in season 3.

Or how about the part in Season 1 where the Fridge is broken, Mother Killmore can kill the guys who answer the repair help-line! Which my analysis shows is something that most of the public between 25–55 are really into it.

Or here, Miss Patty

Still teaches dance, but is also a Russian assassin — and get this — A DOMINATRIX!!

The Daughter could also go to snooty school, but when other girls are mean to her they could end up dead. In fact we could do it sort of like a slasher movie theme for that show.

Yeah that’s another great idea, different shows could have different themes about how the kills happen and stuff — like one could be a slasher movie homage (that’s like a ripoff, but classy), and other could be Mission Impossible Harvest Ball type thing were the Mother uses her sharpshooting skills to blow the head of the mayor of the town when he is in the big Thanksgiving day parade!

Alright, I guess we can all see this is a great idea, and I could keep coming up with different scenarios where the Mother and Daughter could kill somebody together and bond over female empowerment, or the Mother could kill somebody and the Daughter could get upset because she didn’t want them killed, or the Daughter can decapitate somebody for Halloween on accident and the Mother can be like I am just very disappointed in how irresponsible you’ve been — but it doesn’t mean I don’t love you, or somebody can try to kill the Killmore girls but Luke the Fed can poison them with arsenic in the coffee and then make a quip about how too much coffee is bad for your health and they should drink tea instead.

But the important thing is really that this is a totally new idea that hasn’t been done while also seeming like a totally unimaginative piece of hack work that will probably pull in the money for at least 5 or 6 seasons until basically the original cast has all been killed off and people start wondering — hey, why is the U.S government not concerned about the high murder rate in this charming little New England town?

So if you want to make a lot of money, Mr. [[Insert name of executive making decision to purchase series]] like I want to make a lot of money, give me a call.

We can make a killing!