The Lies Have It
Trump is a serial liar
I recently began looking for data illustrating how much Donald Trump lies.
It didn’t take long to find a study confirming what most sane, reality-based, human life forms already know. It’s a lot.
“Donald Trump is a serial liar,” said Dr. Harold Fleckster, head researcher at a prestigious university. “We identified all of the lies Trump has told, both in person and via social media, since he became president in 2016. We concluded that, if you stacked unsold Trump Bibles, one for each lie, the tower of books would easily reach earth’s outer atmosphere.”
Doctor Fleckster admitted that as soon as the results got out, he began hearing from unhappy MAGA supporters.
According to Dr. Fleckster, Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene called it a plot by the radical left to force elected officials to tell the truth. She told Dr. Fleckster, “The radical left is just bad at lying so they want us to tell the truth like they do. This is all because of the Jews who run Hollywood, the same ones responsible for the space lasers they are currently using to create tornados in the Midwest. Well, here’s a news flash for them. The right to lie is protected by The Constitution, just like it protects my right to shoot you if I want to, as well as my right to be a lunatic asshole.”
Senator Tommy Tuberville also weighed in on the findings. He told Dr. Fleckster that, “President Trump doesn’t lie. Your research lies. It’s a joke. Anyone with common sense knows you’ll never find a ladder tall enough to stack Bibles all that way.”
The biggest problem with Trump constantly lying is that millions of his cult members believe him. This has confounded scholars and researchers who have been trying to explain why people, who otherwise seem like they were born human, would unquestioningly believe a narcissistic, misogynistic racist, who has proven over and over that he will lie, cheat, and steal to get what he wants — and that getting what he wants is the only thing he cares about.
So far the only plausible explanations are:
- Overexposure to lead paint
- An obsession with Hannibal Lecter
- A severe addiction to energy drinks and opioids
- Sharks
- RFK Jr. brain worms
The Trump campaign knows that his blindly loyal minions will support him no matter how many lies he utters, no matter what insane jabber spills out of his face hole.
Yet, the Trump campaign has decided to take a radical new approach to the campaign in the run-up to the election.
Trump campaign staffer, Elma Catskat agreed to share what she called “our bold, new strategy,” if I promised not to tell.
“It’s a work of genius from Fearless Leader, which is what Mr. Trump told us to call him now,” said Catskat. “When the Democrats threatened to kill Joe Biden and forced him out of the race, things changed suddenly for the campaign. Honestly, at first, Fearless Leader seemed to be at a loss. He didn’t know how to handle Harris.”
“But he locked himself in his room at Mar-a-Lago one night with nothing more than his brilliant mind, twenty-five Big Macs, and a case of Coke, and he came out with this incredible strategy.”
“You know, Fearless Leader told me many times how big his brain is, as well as some other things that I won’t mention. But, I never realized just how amazing it is until after that night.”
“Sometimes I think he’s not even human.”
“Ever since that night, he’s been spreading the word — at his rallies and in interviews. He’s sending a clear message to his supporters — we don’t need more votes to win. He knows we have plenty of votes because he’s already tabulated all the votes in his massive brain. And he knows he’s already won. I am so gosh darn excited!”
“All we need is for our insanely committed and loyal Christians, racists, Nazis, and other anti-American supporters, to vote. We’re telling everyone else to just buy Fearless Leader merch, like his shoes, Bibles, and trading cards.”
“The best thing about this strategy is that we don’t have to waste millions of dollars on campaign staff and offices. All we’re doing is activating all of our most dedicated MAGA cells, those people who Fearless Leader has managed to get elected or appointed into positions like Supervisors of Elections in key states. They are completely brainwashed and will do just about anything for him.”
“For instance, they will let’s say, carefully administer the election now so there won’t be a need to go through another bunch of years claiming the Democrats stole the election. I am so ready to be done with that.”
“This will ensure a victory in November or whenever we finish manipulating the outcome. And all of those millions we’ve saved on campaigning will go directly into Fearless Leader’s legal defense fund. Of course, as soon as he wins re-election he will no longer need a legal defense fund so that money will be transferred into his personal bank account.”
“As for me, I can’t wait until we are in the White House. I’ve never been before. I’ve never even been to Washington, D.C. It is in D.C., right? The White House? I was never very good at directions. Anyway, I can’t wait. Fearless Leader has promised to put a spa in it for us. After his golf course is finished, of course.”
