The Man Hunting Games Begin!
Lucky Plebs Poached by Today’s Greatest Autocrats
Today marks the start of the Man Hunting Games, where the best, richest, and coolest men of society track and kill average Joes in an immersive safari-style arena. The rigors of luxury have bored our super amazing entrepreneurs, and this killing spree helps them get back in touch with their lust for power! This reporter cannot wait to see the glory of battle and the inevitable victory of our social oligarchs over the human prey blessed with their attention.
Let me tell you, I truly know how incredible these hunters are in action. I had the pleasure of attending high school with some of today’s participants. They were always throwing parties with women as sushi serving boards and yachting with baby seal skin sails. They’ve been sadistic innovators since puberty!
Take the shockingly handsome Cardiff Hugglesby, heir to the Huggies Diaper fortune, for example. He was born with the jaw of Brad Pitt and a trust fund that could buy an Egyptian pyramid for development, but he still generously invests his inheritance in a thriving political career. Hugglesby has dedicated his life to enshrining the right of cyberbullying and carrying concealed weapons, preferably 18th century sabers taken from one’s father’s armoire. I, myself have been sanctified by Hugglesby’s presence, and allowed to appear as a subject in several of his TikTok videos. Like a true champion of democracy, Hugglesby believes in elevating the press through a series of videos outlining how I have failed ̶m̶y̶ ̶g̶l̶o̶r̶i̶o̶u̶s̶ ̶m̶a̶s̶t̶e̶r̶ him.
Or consider the ingenious and stoically attractive Allen Wrench. He rose from humble beginnings as the son of Home Depot’s original stock holder, Allen Wrench Sr., to the CEO of today’s media streaming services. Yes, all of them, can you imagine? Imagine the stress he must feel beneath his sharp cheekbones–of course he needs to decompress by restructuring others’ organs! In a show of incredible benevolence, Wrench has hired me to write about his activities in today’s hunt, allowing me unprecedented behind-the-scenes access where everyone is already prepared with a ten second sound bite.
The public needs to appreciate how these men contribute portions of their hard earned salaries and bequests to a billion dollar pot for the winner of the Man Hunting Games. They dedicate their support staff to finding downtrodden, undeserving serfs who are desperate to survive another few years and–out of the kindness of their hearts–fly these peons to a remote tropical island for an all-expenses-paid vacation! They are generous, benevolent, and unbearably sexy (Have I mentioned Hugglesby’s rugged good looks? It’s like a lumberjack made a baby with Patrick Bateman).
But no matter which fortuitous blue-collar survivor walks away from the arena today, we all know that Armie Hammer is the ultimate winner, as his multitude of fridges will be stocked with the bodies of the losers for weeks to come. Fingers crossed I get invited to the cookout!
Rebecca Silver is a writer and stand-up comic in Chicago. She tells jokes about failures, family, and other things that start with an “f” because she believes in the rule of threes. Follow her on Instagram or Medium.
