The Many Ways Ellen Degeneres Has Wronged Me, a Complete Stranger, Personally
Ellen does not know I exist but I feel it is time to share my ordeal
8/17/1996
A “nice” person from my email inbox offered me cheap tickets to a taping of “Ellen”. In my naivete, I accepted and began the laborious and expensive process of booking travel from Stirling, VA to Burbank, CA. 4 trains and one shaky crop duster ride later I arrived at a heavily-graffitied warehouse. Star-struck and very much a country-mouse, I wandered in expecting cheering audiences and the sort of childlike joy that is said to follow in the footsteps of Ellen Degeneres. Instead, I found Ellen Pompeo perched on a 3-legged stool beneath a spotlight, brow furrowed in concentration. For 2 hours and 45 minutes I watched her eat a series of plain bran muffins and read lines from an episode of “Law and Order” in front of an 8mm camera while several severe-looking men and women in English-cut suits nodded and scribbled on clipboards. I consider myself lucky; in my experience, this sort of bait-and-switch usually results in organ theft. However, I still hold Ellen Degeneres responsible for the wreckless branding that encourages this sort of duplicity.
7/22/2016
The TV guide from the previous Sunday revealed that my favorite episode of Matlock, in which he…
