The News Keeps Coming, And So Do The Jokes
Volume 7 of my running column lampooning the week’s headlines.
Long time readers of my column here on Medium are likely familiar with my personal brand of sardonic humor regarding the incessant slew of wacky antics cha-cha sliding across my daily news feed. Last year I started a series of posts poking fun at the news, in the style of a late night monologue or raving madman muttering to his dog outside the local gas station.
You can catch the first six volumes of the series here!
But enough about the tired, cranky, antiquated headlines of weeks past. It’s time to look forward to a whole new era of absurdity, such as…
Ohio sues Norfolk Southern over train derailment.
Apparently the hazardous chemicals have filed a countersuit on the grounds that they “Don’t want to be in Ohio.”
BBC World News host quits weeks after apologizing for her family’s links to slavery.
Reports are saying she was “Totally owned” on Twitter.
A recession indicator just flashed its loudest warning ever.
Joe Biden was so startled he nearly dropped his hearing aid into his soup.
Trial postponed for fitness influencer accused of scamming thousands of customers.
She was doing an intensive workout routine, consisting mostly of stick-ups.
Arnold Schwarzenegger addresses growing trend of anti-semitism, calling it “The path of the weak.”
Coincidentally, Kanye West just announced his latest single, under the same name.
Tik Tok faces uncertain future after 5 hour long congressional thrashing.
Gen Z will be watching the footage in a 691 part series layered over footage of some idiot playing Subway Surfer.
As new tornadoes ravage Georgia, President Biden has approved disaster relief spending for Mississippi.
The All Lives Matter crowd are currently asking for relief checks as well, in Montana.
Americans thought child labor was a travesty, that myth has been shattered.
Turns out, child labor is awesome, says USA Today.
Grimes explains the meaning of “Y” the name of her baby daughter with Elon Musk.
It’s the question she asks herself when she remembers that she named their last kid after the sound a dog makes when it sneezes in its sleep.
She’s forming a scatter plot, using her children as the axes.
It’s the 25th letter of the alphabet, to honor the child’s place as Elon’s 25th kid.
It’s the question she asks herself when she remembers she let this weirdo nut inside her at least twice.
Jonathan Majors has been called a sociopath and an abuser by former colleagues after his domestic violence arrest.
“That’s the last time I take Jared Leto’s acting advice!” Said Majors in a statement to the press.
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