The ‘Nomadic’ Millennial’s Post-Grad Facebook Post

Hey Mom and Dad, don’t worry, these are just a few of my pseudo-fictional cynical thoughts. I’ll get back to job searching ASAP.

Dear Friends and Family,

I’m proud to announce I’ve graduated from (insert accredited university here), nearly graduating Cum Laude! Please hold your applause until the next time you see me, at which time I’ll also happily accept graduation checks to tide me over and fund my SquareSpace domain name until I reach employment status.

I’m excited to announce my move to my grandmother’s house/my high school best friend’s futon/my ex-hookup buddy’s bed. I am thankful my undergraduate degree has given me the accreditation and drive to seek a lifestyle that fills me with only slightly more anxiety than I had when I found out Bobby Moynihan was leaving Saturday Night Live.

In semi-related news, I’m thrilled to announce I’ve made my first big girl decision to don a pair of flare-legged jeans with — you’ll be pleased, Mommom — no rips! While this decision may seem trivial, I feel it metaphorically represents my journey from disillusioned college student to nomadic post-grad. Plus, they make my butt look great, and as you all know my back-up plan is to marry a NJB.

Don’t fret, Dad! Despite the fact I refuse to come home and look for options near you and Mom in rural Virginia (or as I’ve taken to calling it, “admit defeat”), I won’t be using the term “Funemployed” in my Instagram captions anytime soon. I’m hard at work up in Pop’s old ’70s style asparagus green office making him proud while a collage of my seven-year-old face stares down at me with a gap-toothed smile and crazy eyes. That little girl’s dream was always to be a journalism major with a moderate level of direction and a lack of financial stability, after all!

How’s it going, extended family? I’m looking forward to seeing you all this summer at the lake house. Don’t be alarmed if I do not announce my arrival and avoid most of your smiling children — I plan to head straight for a raft and float out to my favorite cove. I have a lot of soul searching to do, you see.

I’ve also recently acquired a condition that I have labeled “selective post-grad hearing.” For some odd reason, whenever someone uses the words ‘plan’ (What are your plans?), ‘future’ (So, ready for the future?), or ‘job’ (How’s the job search going?) I am unable to hear the entire sentence they’ve been used in, and it appears as if I’m ignoring the person attempting to engage me in friendly conversation. I believe it may have to do with the sound frequency in the concerning tone I’ve noticed many use to say these words. To save us all any awkwardness at addressing my condition, please be mindful and avoid using these terms in everyday conversation.

To my friends, I couldn’t be more excited to catch up with all of you! Do you need help moving into your new city apartments? The beauty of my position as an unemployed freeloader with a 2011 Ford Focus is my ability to travel literally anywhere as long as I have my Sunoco gas card and enough will to live.

If you have any odd jobs you need taken care of, don’t hesitate to contact me. I have a significant amount of experience organizing polaroid photograph collections according to how basic the day was as well as Brandy Melville tank tops by cropped length, among my other skill sets.

While I am actively seeking a stable writing job, I have chosen to take side jobs doing literally anything that make it look as if I’m staying productive and allows me to post on my Snapchat Story. I know I’ve seemed, as some would say, “disorganized” and “downright messy” in the past — but people can change! Text me, we’ll go for sushi.

Thank you all for your support over the last four years, as well as for offering your congratulations on my graduation. Don’t worry, these are happy tears! I’m ready! I’ve got this!

Your nomad grad,

Me

P.s. If any of you have any connections to Lorde, Lena Dunham, or Josh Radnor, please don’t hesitate to give them my phone number/email address/Twitter handle. I’m hoping they’re in need of a professional mentee.