The Pandemic Wasn’t That Bad by Newly Minted Billionaire Chad Zaroff, Grandson of General Zaroff
We all had a great year on Ship-Trap Island
This crazy year is over. Yesterday, I got my second dose of the Moderna vaccine (for medical reasons I don’t want to discuss; it has nothing to do with my hunting buddy that owns a regional hospital system), and I finally made the Forbes list of billionaires. For some, this pandemic was bad. But their problem is they didn’t see the opportunity. Overnight, our lives totally changed, but it wasn’t that bad.
Remember when it started? We were all able to pursue our passions like living in our vacation home on Ship-Trap Island or bitcoin. We all had this free time to do whatever we wanted to in our 9 bedroom estates. We could hike, read, or hunt people for sport in the jungle behind our mansions.
We had to change not only how we lived but how we worked. My employees and I got through this together. I wrote them a powerful email about how their hard work on the front lines meant so much to me in so many ways that simply could not be reflected in increased wages and benefits, so why try. Together, we persevered.
In our newfound free time, we were able to reconnect with old friends. I can’t tell you how many virtual happy hours I had with my college friends, talking about the good old days of drinking, driving, and hunting people for sport together. It wasn’t as fun as railing lines off a stolen Van Gogh in person, but we made the most of it. We all had to sacrifice something.
We all did so much baking! For so many of us, it was the first time using a sourdough starter or buying your favorite bakery, laying everyone off, and giving the head chef an ultimatum to leave his family to come bake almond croissants for you on an isolated island or be blacklisted from every bakery north of the equator.
With the bread, came the pursuit of our fitness goals. I’m already fucking ripped, but so many people were able to really challenge themselves to get in the best shape of their lives. To that I say: good for you! How would you feel about testing your newfound fitness in the most dangerous game?
We tackled really important issues this summer thanks to Covid and my participation. We all had a role in the revolution. What was mine? I ordered fish off Amazon from a seafood company that used to use prison labor, and then I wrote “#BLM” on the delivery box and put it in my favorite window. I’ve done my part. And like the sustainable seafood company that used prisoners like slaves, I’ve grown personally and monetarily. The prison industrial is so complex, and we need to spread the word so everyone can win at being woke like me. It’s like the old proverb: give a man a fish, he has a fish, but order tilapia on Amazon and put the box in the window, the man you’re hunting knows you do it in the name of equality.
Yes, some people got sick this year. I personally don’t know anyone who got Covid because I don’t know my housekeeper’s family. But I get it. I have a medical condition that recently popped up when I went to the right doctor and showed them some money and the list of conditions that made someone eligible for a vaccine. Again, it has nothing to do with retroactively covering for my hunting pal who is under investigation for giving out shots to his friends or the highest bidder. So trust me, I understand the struggle of our medical system. That’s why we provide a free checkup prior to the hunt to ensure no pre-existing conditions soil the sport for me and my hounds.
Now with the vaccine rollout, things are going back to normal, and looking back, I have to say, it just wasn’t that bad. I know some of you are thinking I’m just some rich asshole because I had a good year and Quibi made a show about me. But know that I worked hard getting richer while living in a vacation home. I pulled myself up by my Versace sneaker loops to go the distance from a hundred millionaire to a billionaire. And if you have anything to say about it, please sign up to say it to my face in the jungle on Ship-Trap Island.
