The Person That Starts a Pineapple Pizza Argument

Let’s get together and disapprove of your favorite random pizza topping.

Erica N
Erica N
May 1, 2020 · 2 min read
Photo by Brooke Lark on Unsplash

ou probably know someone or have encountered someone that occasionally likes to bring up the pineapple on pizza argument.

No one knows where the argument came from. People have been putting crazy things on pizza for many years but for some reason, pineapple is a target.

our friend hates pineapple…on pizza and wants the world to know about it. His relationship with every person he meets is based on whether or not they put pineapple on pizza.

It’s food after all. It’s their business but no. To your friend, it’s “our” business.

henever he goes shopping, he asks the checkout people, “do you put pineapple on pizza?” Whoever answers “no” to the question gets to ring up his items.

He wants to open a new checking account. He visits all the banks and asks, “do you put pineapple on your pizza?” to the bank tellers. Whichever bank has the least amount of yes’s has a new customer.

He wants a new girlfriend. If the woman puts pineapple on their pizza, her pizza preference is a threat to the relationship. He won’t date her.

He makes sure all of his friends don’t put pineapple on pizza.

He makes sure the person he is hugging doesn’t like pineapple pizza.

He makes sure the person that walks his dog doesn’t eat pineapple pizza.

He makes sure that all of his clothing isn’t made by someone that eats pineapple pizza.

He makes sure everything he buys isn’t manufactured by a company whose CEO supports pineapple pizza.

He makes sure the pizza restaurant he visits most importantly doesn’t serve pineapple pizza.

es, your friend is crazy. His dislike for pizza is so strong that he doesn’t want to have any relation with anything or anyone that had contact with pineapple pizza.

Even if it’s second-hand contact to pineapple pizza from a picture or an ad, he prefers to not talk to you.

You tell your friend to calm down. He looks at you from head to toe and then he accuses you of liking pineapple pizza.

You know that if he finds out you do, he’ll scold you, mock you and tell you why your pizza topping preferences are invalid even though…he’s not the one eating it.

Eventually, you lose contact with your friend forever and you are fortunately ok with it.

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

Sign up for The Haven's Newsletter

By The Haven

Now with More Nudity and a Patreon! Take a look.

By signing up, you will create a Medium account if you don’t already have one. Review our Privacy Policy for more information about our privacy practices.

Check your inbox
Medium sent you an email at to complete your subscription.

Erica N

Written by

Erica N

An illustrator that writes humor and satire about everything and nothing at the same time.

The Haven

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

Erica N

Written by

Erica N

An illustrator that writes humor and satire about everything and nothing at the same time.

The Haven

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

Medium is an open platform where 170 million readers come to find insightful and dynamic thinking. Here, expert and undiscovered voices alike dive into the heart of any topic and bring new ideas to the surface. Learn more

Follow the writers, publications, and topics that matter to you, and you’ll see them on your homepage and in your inbox. Explore

If you have a story to tell, knowledge to share, or a perspective to offer — welcome home. It’s easy and free to post your thinking on any topic. Write on Medium

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store