The President Won’t Have to Pardon Anyone Because He Made Me Second President So I’ll Do It

Listen, you media folks better buckle up because the truth train just pulled into White House station. Now I know there’s been a lot of chitty-chatter about President Trump’s comments that he could pardon himself for crimes he absolutely did not I can guess commit. But that’s beside the point. President Trump won’t have to pardon anyone because he made me, Anthony Scaramucci, Second President.
We’re not going to get into “specifics” because I know you media elite types like to twist the White House’s words to use what we mean against us. Not gonna happen, not on my golden watch. The only thing that matters is President Trump will not have to pardon anyone, including himself. Because I already did it. We’re done here.
I’ve also taken it upon myself to install a second, equally grand desk in the Oval Office, from where I will conduct business as Second President. If you don’t like it go back to Big Shot University, capisce? Think this is “illegal?” Not a chance. I made it legal. I’m Second President.
And you can shut it with the jokes about how I look like a Wolf of Wall Street extra or a Dad who would bet on Little League games or the man who made your mom stop dating. Those are illegal now. I’m Second President.

