The Haven
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The “Quitting Subscription Boxes” Subscription Box!

This Subscription Box is Here to Help You Stop Buying Subscription Boxes

Photo by Milada Vigerova on Unsplash

At first subscription boxes seemed great. You were trying new lotions that cut down on acne and/or helped you maximize your workout with tingling menthol. You learned what broccolini was and found out how to cook it before you threw it in the garbage. It was a wonderful year of self-discovery and gave you loads of material for your Instagram and TikTok accounts. Someone claiming to be the cousin of Keanu Reeves even started following you.

But now you’re asking yourself how many candles one can really place around the rim of a bathtub before your towel catches fire. And, if you combine the bath bomb from that empowering-local-women box with the bath salt from the box that gives jobs to refugees, will it give you rashes around your nether regions like the last ill-fated combo? There comes a point when you have to face your overstuffed kitchen cabinet: another bacteria-fighting copper and/or sustainable wood and glass water bottle just won’t fit.

That’s when you know it’s time to purchase the subscription box to end all subscription boxes. And no, I’m not talking about the going-plastic-free-box, of which you have several. I know your chic apartment is still packed to the windows with plastic. This is a different kind of box. This box will set you free.

It knows that you have a dependency, and it wants to help you. For the great low price of thirty-five dollars every other month, it will hold you through the night while you’re shaking through withdrawals, and then when you finally fall asleep, this bitch will sneak out of bed and cancel all your credit cards. If you pay the full year up-front, you’ll get access to bonus content like the “cookie wipeout”: while you’re looking the other way, or in this case, looking pensively out the rainy window to get a perfect story pic, it will stick a virus in your computer that wipes out your accounts! You won’t even exist to those mother f-ing companies who taunt you with their trendy emails. This box will wipe out all of your cookies, and you know how impossible it is to get rid of that shit.

But don’t stop after a couple months! Keep the subscription going and it’ll learn everything about you. If you ever feel the slightest urge to subscribe again, if this box even sees you hovering over an ad for around-the-world-desserts while you’re scrolling through Twitter, this box will be there to stop you. It’ll show you your future hooked on subscriptions: you trapped in the back of your closet under the weight of stay-positive yoga paraphernalia while drones deliver more and more boxes that block off your door from the help that might have otherwise arrived in time to save you.

This special code will get you 10% off your first month! Click here.

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Carley Gomez

Carley Gomez

Missouri based writer of lists, tips, satire, and stories to cope with the absurdity of reality.

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