The Real Captain Phillips in Film “Captain Philips” Involved in Conspiracy with Somali Pirates

The commercially successful 2013 film Captain Phillips received widespread critical acclaim for its depiction of the Maersk Alabama takeover by Somali pirates. During the ship’s journey from Salalah, Oman to Mombasa, Kenyawho, it was attacked and the crew was taken hostage. Tom Hanks, who held the lead role as Captain Phillips, displayed his usual extraordinary ability to portray bullshit characters.

“The real Captain Phillips ignored ship-to-shore messages that the Maersk was entering into pirate and jellyfish-infested waters. He was a fraud masquerading as a good guy when he’s actually a dufus. I portrayed him effortlessly. With the exception of Mr. Rogers, it is my greatest role to date.”

Hanks portrayed Fred Rogers in the 2019 film A Beautiful Day in the Neighbourhood, directed by Marielle Heller and released by Sony Pictures Releasing.

“I have to stop appearing in stupid Sony movies,” Hanks grumbled. “Fred Rogers was a challenging role. I worked for months donning that blue cardigan with a ballet tutu as I skipped around the movie set singing, “Look at me I’m Sandra Dee.” I’m shocked I didn’t win the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor. The Academy has gone downhill.”

Captain Phillips was nominated for six Oscar awards, including Best Picture and Best Director, neither of which the film won.

“The Oscars are stupid.” Hanks sulked. “I almost pulled a Will Smith before Will Smith did. I got up from my seat to punch host Seth MacFarlane in the face when we didn’t win. Mind you, I hate Family Guy so that’s nailing two birds with one stone.”

When asked why Hanks didn’t proceed with the assault he rolled his eyes and griped, “My wife, Rita Wilson, held me back. She never lets me do anything! I hate her.”

Iszi Lawrence, a podcaster and history presenter who didn’t research the takeover, called the film “almost authentic as far as Hollywood standards go.”

Lawrence praised the film’s dialogue as written word-for-word from Captain Phillips’ book. The book was later proven to be a fabrication, demonstrating Lawrence’s lack of qualifications.

“What is great about the film is those men are local Somali actors and they look it. They are the ugliest actors to ever appear in a Hollywood movie. Now that’s history.”

Unable to make up her mind, Lawrence criticized director Paul Greengrass for using a real Somalian lifeboat. “Hanks sat in the cramped boat for four days with the Somalian actors, who reeked of body odour. That must have been hell.”

Hanks is suing Sony Pictures for refusing one of his six ten-million-dollar yachts in place of the Somalian life raft.

“It was the most traumatic experience of my life. It was worse than my childhood. After my parents divorced my mother wanted to put us into foster care. My father, a terrible man, insisted we grow up in a good home. He finished work at eleven every night working overtime to support us. That’s a lack of parental supervision. The man should be in jail.”

Maersk Alabama crew members are dissatisifed that the film portrayed the real Phillips offering himself up to the pirates.

“Of course I didn’t give myself up,” said Captain Phillips. “My heart is already held hostage by my wife, and that’s worse than going with those icky pirates.”

When asked about the conspiracy accusation, Phillips responded, “Admittedly, I offered my crew for my freedom but there’s no honor among thieves. The bastards reneged at the last minute and I’ll never trust pirates the same way again.”

Jimmy Sagba, a crewman who wished to remain anonymous, explained the pirate attack was avoidable. “Captain Phillips didn’t follow orders and the pirates attacked our ship. He is responsible for the hostage takeover.”

The crew is suing Phillips for “willing, wanton, and conscious disregard for their safety.”

Chief Engineer Mike Perry, who is also involved in the class action lawsuit had this to say: “Phillips is a dick.”