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The Haven


The Republican Candidates for President

Lip gloss and black leather at CPAC in Dallas.

From left, DeSantis, Rubio, Cruz, Hawley, and Pompeo. Photo by Palm Springs Leather Pride on Flickr.

The Republicans just took a straw poll to chose a candidate for president if Trump doesn’t run. The winner was the senator who looked sexiest in a black leather jock strap when he twirled around, bent over, and picked up a pencil.

The poll was conducted by the Conservative Political Action Conference held August 4–7 in Dallas. CPAC is the “largest and most influential gathering of conservatives in the world.” That’s according to its organizer, the American Conservative Union, which advises Republican politicians regarding what policies to pursue.

That’s ironic, in that Republicans don’t pursue serious policies. They don’t craft sensible legislation. They don’t engage in intellectually honest debates about economics, national security, health care, education, the environment, public works, taxes, and regulations. Indeed, the Republican Party stopped making a case for policy-based governing in 2015 when it nominated Trump for president.

That creates a problem for a CPAC. Its most anticipated event is the straw poll. Attendees always vote for Trump. But the Conference ranks other candidates, to establish who’s best positioned to step up when the old man steps down. The problem is, the junior varsity players are all the same. They all proclaim Trump to be their liege lord. They all call themselves culture warriors. None distinguish themselves by offering ideas which could be of practical value to the American people.

Congresswoman Lauren Boebert, Mediaite. Michigan gubernatorial candidate Tudor Dixon, Wikipedia.

Then Matt Schlapp, the chairman of the ACU, came up with a way to tell the male candidates apart: sexualize them. Republicans already do that with female candidates. Representative Lauren Boebert is the proud recipient of the “Hottest Woman in Congress” award. Tudor Dixon, running for governor in Michigan, is being marketed for her sex appeal: Meshawn Maddock, the co-chair of the state’s Republican Party, described Dixon as being a “much younger, smarter, and hotter than Gretchen Whitmer,” the current, Democratic governor¹. Kari Lake, the gubernatorial candidate in Arizona, is trying to excite Republican men by being a conservative MILF (Mother I’d Like to F*ck). Sarah Palin, running for Alaska’s congressional seat, is trying to stiffen MAGA men’s ballots by selling herself as a TILF (Trumpster I’d Like to F*ck).

Sexualization works for the girls, reasoned Schlapp, so it should work for the boys. He ditched the CPAC events devoted to ideas and policies. It was no big whoop: nobody ever showed up for them — not even the speakers. Then he changed the conference format to make it a combination beauty pageant and cattle call.

The candidates — Ted Cruz, Josh Hawley, Chris Christie, Tom Cotton, Marco Rubio, Ron DeSantis, Mike Pence, and Mike Pompeo — were fine with it. Other people would take offense at being dehumanized and objectified. Not these guys. They’d debased themselves at all kinds of venues in front of all sorts of people in all manner of ways. Twerking party chieftains and fat cat donors while wearing lip gloss and black leather was no big deal. To them, it was just another day at the office.

The boys went to work. They brightened their smiles with Vaseline® on their teeth. Made their eyes look less puffy with hemorrhoid cream on the surrounding skin. Glossed and lined their lips. Tweezed and manscaped their hair. Blushed their cheeks — both those in the upper deck and in the cheap seats. Sprayed bronzer on every inch of exposable skin. Pulled up their saggy asses with butt tape. Taped down their dingalings so they wouldn’t get zippered during costume changes. Shoved napkins down their knickers to make their baby gherkins look like fat kosher dills. With that, it was show time.

Senator Marco Rubio. Photo by vincenzoyeahbaby on Flickr.

The first event was the Stripper Pole Competition. Schlapp figured it was a good way to narrow the field; one false twirl, and a man’s balls got squashed against the pole. (Fortunately for these guys, they don’t have any.) Marco Rubio won the event with a perfect score for artistic expression — and was called “Marco Polo” for the rest of the conference. Ted Cruz cheated, of course. He taped Velcro to the pole and his inner thighs to give himself some extra grip. Far from helping, the Velcro yanked the short ‘n curlies out of his crotch. Chris Christie fared worse: a clumsy dismount sent him limping off the stage with an acute case of crack rash.

Governor Ron DeSantis, photo by luke stacey on Flickr.

The next event was “Candidates On Trampolines.” Ron DeSantis won with a dazzling display of moob jiggle. That was despite losing points when his costume burst open and exposed his bosoms. (Ted Cruz said he did it deliberately to titillate the crowd — which he did.)

Senator Josh Hawley. Photo by Lindsey Britt on Flickr.

The Slapabottom Contest was won by Josh Hawley, seen here as donors bounce quarters off his cheeks. Mike Pompeo nearly beat him — they were boxers-to-boxers at one point. Only, Mike forgot to holster his johnson with a jock strap. When his boxers hiked up high on his thigh, his mouse popped out of the house, and the judges disqualified him.

Mike Pence won the Wet T-Shirt Contest with a manly display of perky moobs and upstanding nips. Even so, he nearly came in third. Tom Cotton was in the lead, but got disqualified when someone reported seeing him before the event, stimulating his tatas by putting clamps on his nipples. Ted Cruz should have been declared the winner. Only cell phone video showed him using ice cubes to wake up his boys before he went on stage.

Nobody won the Wet Tighty-Whitey Contest. When the judges looked at Ted’s briefs first, the skid marks were so gross, they refused to look at anyone else’s.

Photo by Palm Springs Leather Pride on Flickr.

The final event was the Fashion Show, in which the candidates strutted down a runway in black leather he-strings. No doubt about it: Ted did it the best. He kept his head up and looked straight ahead. Put one foot in front of the other. When he stopped to pose, his hands were on his waist, feet shoulder-width apart: he’d shift his hips three times, smile, then walk on.

Ted won the straw poll taken immediately afterward. Not because he was a popular candidate; even CPAC attendees considered him as a pain in the ass. No, it had to do with how empty his black leather sack-jacket looked. People figured Ted should win the straw poll because his penis probably resembles a straw pole.

[1] “It’s ‘year of the woman’ and Michigan GOP likes Dixon’s odds against Whitmer”, Bridge Magazine,



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Miss Catherine La Grange, spinster

Miss Catherine La Grange, spinster


Retired high school social studies teacher in Michigan’s Up North. I’m a Presbyterian spinster, but I’m no Angel.