The Republican Speaker of the House
Will he last longer than this head of lettuce?
The Republicans in the House of Representatives have made Mike Johnson their new Speaker. But they’re already looking for his successor. That’s because they know it’s just a matter of time before they fire him. Inevitably, he’ll have to tell them play time’s over. Stop jumping on the furniture. Stop pantsing other congressmen. No, they can’t have that shiny object that’s just out of reach. They can’t get their way by having a conniption! Stand in the corner of the House Floor and take a time out! That’s when the Republicans will pitch a hissy fit. Then they’ll make a Motion To Vacate¹ and pitch the Speaker.
Granted, Republicans think Johnson is a terrific choice for Speaker. He has the same goals as the rest of his caucus.
- Johnson wants to slash the social safety net by cutting Medicaid by $3 trillion, Medicare by $1.8 trillion, and Social Security by $756 billion.²
- He opposes gun controls because the Theory of Evolution is responsible for mass shootings. ”How can a young person go into their schoolhouse and open fire on their classmates?”, asked Johnson. It’s “because we’ve taught generations that you evolve from the primordial slime.”³ As for how to prevent future massacres, Johnson advises people to “pray that the evil can end and this senseless violence can stop.”⁴
- Johnson introduced a bill to make it a “crime for a physician to knowingly perform an abortion.”⁵ That would apply to a human the moment it’s conceived.⁶ Any person who performs one would be “imprisoned at hard labor for 1–10 yrs & fined $10K-$100K.”⁷
- Johnson wants to criminalize adult relationships he deems objectionable. He says that’s doable, because the U.S. Constitution “has never placed activity within the home outside the bounds of the criminal law”.⁸ His first target: ”same-sex deviate sexual intercourse.”⁹ Because “if we [allow] marriage for this minority, we have to do it for polygamists, polyamorists, pedophiles, [and] a person [who wants] to marry his pet.”¹⁰
Then there’s the thing which assured Johnson’s election as Speaker — and earned him the nickname “MAGA Mike.”¹¹ That was his efforts to overturn the 2020 presidential election and make Trump the president. Johnson convinced one hundred twenty-five Republican congressmen to block Biden’s certification by offering them something better than conspiracy theories. That was a pseudo-legal brief which contended that voting changes necessitated by the Pandemic in critical swing states were illegitimate and unconstitutional.¹²
The Supreme Court tossed Johnson’s brief. They knew it wasn’t meant to be taken seriously. That’s because Johnson based his case on a legal principle called Irrumabo Eos Si Non Possunt Non Iocus. Which in English means “F*ck ’em if they can’t take a joke.”
But though Johnson and his fellow Republicans have the same goals, he’s bound to lose the Speakership. The reason has to do with the fact that the House is responsible for enacting legislation;¹³ and the Speaker is responsible for managing members’ efforts to do that. The problem is, the Republicans aren’t interested in legislating, and they’re absolutely unmanageable.
When it comes to legislating, consider Jim Jordan. Sixteen years in the House. Chairman of the Judiciary Committee. Almost elected Speaker. The “second-most popular Republican in America,”¹⁴ by some accounts.
Mr. Jordan boasts of sponsoring sixty-four bills. True, none became law.¹⁵ Which is too bad, because America missed out on some doozies.
- House Resolution 9, “Denouncing the horrors of socialism.”¹⁶
- HR 12, to fight the “Weaponization of the Federal Government.”¹⁷
- HR 366, to ban “Motorcyclist profiling by law enforcement.”¹⁸
- HR 152, the “Hearing Protection Act”,¹⁹ which eliminates taxes on firearm silencers.
- HR 5088, which “Suspends the duty on [imported] laundry work surfaces.”²⁰ (Presumably, a company in Mr. Jordan’s district which sells countertops bought this law with a donation to his campaign fund.)
It’s tough enough to make Republicans legislate. It’s ten times harder to control their impulses. Harder than herding cats. Glueing Jell-O® to a tree. Glueing Jell-O® to a cat. The House isn’t like the Senate — that “privileged nursing home,”²¹ so-called because it’s clogged with geezers. Rather, thanks to the Republicans, the House is like a preschool run by demon children with attention deficit disorder.
There’s the congresswoman who’s sponsored six resolutions in three years to impeach President Biden. (House Resolutions 57,²² 420,²³ 596,²⁴ 597,²⁵ 598,²⁶ and 1362.²⁷) She’s like the impulsive little sociopath who gives schoolmates purple nurples and noogies just because she doesn’t like the way they look at her.
Another congresswoman proposes bills to punish officials who won’t kowtow to her by reducing their salaries²⁸ to one dollar.³² She’s the little hooligan who flushes kids’ gym clothes down toilets and tosses their laced-together sneakers over telephone lines if they don’t play the game by her rules.
One congressman introduced a bill to “designate Antifa [a tired old right-wing bugaboo] as a domestic terrorist organization.”²⁹ He’s the timid tike who thinks imaginary monsters live under his bed.
A congresswoman proposed a bill to expunge the impeachment of Donald Trump.³⁰ She’s the whelp who’s eager to please the crazy uncle who gives her sugar highs by slipping her candy.
Then there’s the congressman who sacked a Speaker because he didn’t say “how high” when he was told to jump.³¹ That’s the brat who likes to play with matches, burns down the House, then expects the adults to clean up his mess.
If this gang was in daycare, they’d spend all day in Detention. And be subject to strict rules. They couldn’t leave, other than for quick trips to the restrooms. No using their phones; those would be stowed in their book bags. No chit-chatting with desk neighbors. No laying their heads on desks and taking naps. Just keep quiet and do homework. Violate these rules, and they’d be suspended and sent home.
As it is, these people occupy the House Chamber in the United States Capitol, where they have the run of the place, and can do as they like.
But inevitably, they’ll called upon to do something they don’t like. Something worse than making their beds. Taking out the trash. Eating spinach. They’ll need to legislate. Because something the Federal government does will need to be funded: foreign aid, power grid maintenance, border security, national parks, food inspections, veterans health care, the air traffic control system, vocational education, military expeditions, or disaster relief. When that time comes, House Republicans will try any excuse to get out of it. Even that they haven’t got the time; they’ve got to finish their spinach.
Mike Johnson will have no choice but to act like a Speaker. He’ll have to tell his Republican colleagues to knock off the grab-assing. Quit sticking their tongues out at each other. Stop using straws to shoot spitballs. Giving each other wedgies and swirlies. Borrowing other congressmen’s crayons. Breaking their toys. Stealing their milk and cookies.
Enough with the melodramatic posturing, performing, and grandstanding. Whining that they’re not getting enough attention. Complaining that the other congressmen are picking on them. And that the Speaker always liked the other ones best.
Brush your teeth, Johnson will say. Take a bath. Do your homework. Stop yowling about having to legislate. Or I’ll give you something to yowl about.
Alas, House Republicans are like two-year-olds. When an adult tells them to do something, they’ll reflexively say “No.” Unlike a two-year-old, they can do more. Johnson’s ass will be grass, and his friends will be the lawnmower. Then they’ll X-ray candidates for the Speakership to find a replacement with less of a spine.
[1]: “What is a ‘motion to vacate’, the procedure that ousted Kevin McCarthy?”, The Guardian, https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2023/oct/03/what-is-motion-to-vacate-speaker-mccarthy-explainer
[2]: “Preserving American Freedom”, page 193, table 2a, “Revenues and Outlays vs. CBO Baseline”, official Mike Johnson web site. CLaG note: to see this file, do copy/paste. Though the web site address is correct, the link can’t be made to work. https://mikejohnson.house.gov/sites/mikejohnson.house.gov/files/final rsc fy 2020 for print.pdf
[3]: “New House Speaker Blamed School Shootings on Teaching Evolution and Abortion”, Rolling Stone, https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-news/mike-johnson-blamed-shootings-teaching-evolution-abortion-1234863223/
[4]: “Newly elected Speaker Johnson offers prayers for violence to end in response to Maine mass shooting”, 6ABC Action News, https://6abc.com/speaker-mike-johnson-maine-mass-shooting-prayers-gun-violence/13976753/
[5]: “H.R.705 — Heartbeat Protection Act of 2021”, Congress of the United States of America, https://www.congress.gov/bill/117th-congress/house-bill/705?s=3&r=2&q={“search”:”abortion+abortion+heartbeat+abortion+abortion+heartbeat"}
[6]: “H.R.431 — Life at Conception Act”, Congress of the United States of America, https://www.congress.gov/bill/118th-congress/house-bill/431?q={"search":"abortion+abortion"}&s=1&r=9
[7]: “New House speaker pushed for ‘hard labor’ for abortion providers after fall of Roe”, The Guardian, https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2023/oct/26/republican-speaker-mike-johnson-roe-v-wade
[8]: “Justices Take Swipe At American Values”, Newspapers.com, https://www.newspapers.com/article/the-times-kfile/134020593/
[9]: “New speaker of the House Mike Johnson once wrote in support of the criminalization of gay sex”, CNN, https://www.cnn.com/2023/10/25/politics/mike-johnson-gay-sex-criminalization-kfile/index.html
[10]: “Speaker Mike Johnson claimed legalizing gay marriage would lead to people marrying their PETS”, The Daily Mail, https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-12680721/Mike-Johnson-Speaker-Republican-Congress-Gay-Pedophiles-Pets-Kevin-McCarthy.html
[11]: “Rise of ‘MAGA Mike’ reveals new GOP low”, The Buffalo News, https://buffalonews.com/opinion/letters/letter-rise-of-maga-mike-reveals-new-gop-low/article_7b24a2fc-7984-11ee-be06-c75a4e8df5f9.html
[12]: “Mike Johnson Is a Right-Wing Fever Dream Come to Life”, The New York Times, https://www.nytimes.com/2023/10/27/opinion/mike-johnson-speaker-house-maga.html?campaign_id=129&emc=edit_jbo_20231028&instance_id=106343&nl=jamelle-bouie®i_id=132188254&segment_id=148557&te=1&user_id=89acb8823cd020dd01e35b0cdcf3aa67
[13]: Article I, Sections 7 and 8, “The Constitution of the United States: A Transcription”, The National Archives, https://www.archives.gov/founding-docs/constitution-transcript
[14]: “One Theory on Why Jim Jordan Kept Going for Broke”, New York Magazine, https://nymag.com/intelligencer/2023/10/one-theory-on-why-jim-jordan-keeps-going-for-broke.html
[15]: “Jim Jordan’s remarkably thin legislative track record”, The Washington Post, https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2023/10/16/jim-jordan-speaker-legislation-effectiveness/
[16]: “House Resolution 9, Denouncing the horrors of socialism”, Library of Congress, https://www.congress.gov/bill/118th-congress/house-concurrent-resolution/9/text
[17]: “House Resolution 12, Weaponization of the Federal Government”, Library of Congress, https://www.congress.gov/bill/118th-congress/house-resolution/12/text
[18]: “House Resolution 366, Motorcyclist profiling by law enforcement”, Library of Congress, https://www.congress.gov/bill/117th-congress/house-resolution/366/text
[19]: “House Resolution 152, Hearing Protection Act”, Government Printing Office, https://www.congress.gov/bill/118th-congress/house-bill/152/text?s=1&r=20&q={“search":["H.R.+1"]}
[20]: “House Resolution 5088, Suspend the [import] duty on certain laundry work surfaces”, Government Printing Office, https://www.govinfo.gov/content/pkg/BILLS-110hr5088ih/pdf/BILLS-110hr5088ih.pdf
[21]: “Nikki Haley Describes Senate as ‘Privileged Nursing Home’”, Newsweek, https://www.newsweek.com/nikki-haley-describes-senate-privileged-nursing-home-1823868
[22]: “House Resolution 57, Impeach Joseph R. Biden”, Library of Congress, https://www.govinfo.gov/app/details/BILLS-117hres57ih
[23]: “House Resolution 420, Impeach Joseph R. Biden”, Library of Congress, https://www.congress.gov/bill/118th-congress/house-resolution/420/text?s=8&r=10
[24]: “House Resolution 596, Impeach Joseph R. Biden”, Library of Congress, https://www.congress.gov/bill/117th-congress/house-resolution/596/text?s=1&r=20&q={"search":["impeach"]}
[25]: “House Resolution 597, Impeach Joseph R. Biden”, Library of Congress, https://www.govinfo.gov/app/details/BILLS-117hres597ih
[26]: “House Resolution 598, Impeach Joseph R. Biden”, Library of Congress, https://www.congress.gov/117/bills/hres598/BILLS-117hres598ih.pdf
[27]: “House Resolution 1362, Impeach Joseph R. Biden”, Library of Congress, https://www.congress.gov/117/bills/hres1362/BILLS-117hres1362ih.pdf
[28]: “H.R. 4367 — Department of Homeland Security Appropriations Bill”, Amendments 184 and 186, Committee on Rules, House of Representatives, https://rules.house.gov/bill/118/hr-4367
[29]: “House Resolution 202, Designating Antifa as a domestic terrorist organization”, Library of Congress, https://www.congress.gov/bill/118th-congress/house-resolution/202/text?s=8&r=15
[30]: “House Resolution 538, Expunging the impeachment of President Donald John Trump”, Government Printing Office, https://www.congress.gov/118/bills/hres538/BILLS-118hres538ih.pdf
[31]: “Congressman Matt Gaetz Files Motion to Vacate Against Speaker McCarthy”, Matt Gaetz, Congressman, https://gaetz.house.gov/media/press-releases/breaking-congressman-matt-gaetz-files-motion-vacate-against-speaker-mccarthy
[32]: “H.R.4821 — Department of the Interior, Environment, and Related Agencies Appropriations Act”, amendments 555, 567, 582, 584, 586, 591, 592, 593, and 595, Library of Congress, https://www.congress.gov/bill/118th-congress/house-bill/4821/amendments
