The Reviewers of Amazon: A Taxonomy

The anti-establishment reviewer: “I bought this book because of the relentless positive reviews, but man, what a disappointment! It didn’t come close to living up to the hype.”

The masochistic reviewer: “I had to suppress the urge to repeatedly stab myself in the face the entire time I read this shitty book. I found the first sentence to be as infuriating and awful as the last … And every single word in between caused me physical pain. I suffered for five days but somehow got through it.”

The thorough reviewer: “The dialogue, to be sure, was the most heinous thing about this book. But one can’t overlook the terrible descriptions, flat characters, poor vocabulary, boring plot choices, low stakes, trivial relationships, weak motivations, faulty use of punctuation, and lousy style of the prose in general when considering all the problems in this devastatingly bad novel.”

The Twitter reviewer: “Suckd. Bad 1d characters. 2 long & dumb. 0 pos 2 say abt it. dnf.”

The numerical reviewer: “80% mediocre 17% terrible 3% lol”

The inconsistent reviewer: “1 star. This was a tough one because I really loved the characters and the writing. But unfortunately, I was left feeling flat after finishing. I don’t know why. I really liked the book at times, but then again, it kind of sucked. Cannot recommend, unless you’re into that sort of thing.”

The writer reviewer: “You know the golden rule of fiction? — ‘Show, don’t tell’?? This writer clearly missed class that day. I would never write such wordy, talky prose; I would move the plot forward at a well-paced clip.”

The angry reviewer: “This book pissed me off it was so bad. What a monumental waste of my life. What a waste of paper. What a waste of space in my garbage can.”

The tough reviewer: “1.5 Stars. I really LOVED this book. It brings to mind the essays of Mark Twain (3 stars) or maybe the humorous works of Douglas Adams (2.25 stars). Highly recommend. This novel was so close to 2 stars, but it didn’t quite push me over that line.”

The virgin bad reviewer: “I have never in my life written a negative review before but this book has left me no choice. I hated this book like I’ve never hated a book before. I’m so sorry to trash a writer in this way, something I thought I would never ever do, but my goodness. Do. Not. Buy.

The self-conscious reviewer: “I am so ashamed to have this book in my apartment. Please DM me if you want it, and I’ll mail it to you.”

The community service reviewer: “Let me save you some time and money: Don’t buy, don’t read, don’t waste your time. I endured this misery so you don’t have to. You’re welcome.”

The OCD reviewer: “Where was the editor??? I found four typos: p. 27, p. 112 (paragraph 2 and 5), and one on the last page. And an (embarrassingly obvious) historical inaccuracy in ch. 17. I sent a letter to the publishing house and got no response. Fine. Whatever. I tried.”

The off-topic reviewer: “1 star — fucking amazon shipping bitches. Some postal a-hole dropped the package off on my neighbor’s porch. Rain totally soaked through the box. Spent an hour on the phone getting a refund on this purchase. Don’t buy this terrible book!”