The Haven
Published in

The Haven

The Russians Hacked My Monthly Cycle

Regardless of the ongoing investigation into Russia hacking the US Government, there may have been some kind of mistake, or error in the Russian operative’s surveillance tactics recently. Because I’m pretty sure my monthly cycle was hacked by the Russians.

I’ve given this a lot of thought, and here’s what I think is going on. I have an intrauterine device (IUD), and I believe that that device was accessed via satellite, and compromised. I used to be “regular” as they say, but in the past month, there have been a series of odd events that have lead me to this paranoid train of thought. Instead of a period, I have a series of cramps in what I determined was a form of Morse code. I tracked the cramp’s code, and determined that the Russians are communicating with me with the words: “Ha Ha, I hacked you, you dumb American Bitch. Putin forever!” How rude, huh?

Plus, I’ve been super moody, feeling the need to yell at everyone while gesticulating wildly with my hands if I experience something even slightly upsetting, I’m drinking more heavily (vodka, if we’re being honest), and I only feel comfortable in track pants. What kind of woman have I become? I have also become increasingly selfish and distrustful of others, and my doctor just chalks this all up to “extreme” PMS, or PMDD. I don’t think so. I was hacked by the Russians. They literally communicate with me and tell me to go to hell, that I would look better as a blonde, that my clothes don’t quite fit right, and that all my choices are terrible.

I can’t imagine the computer engineer dude’s reaction once he realized that he didn’t hack that politician’s email account he intended to, but rather, some random lady’s IUD. Maybe the hacker thought, Shit, I guess I accessed this female’s contraceptive device, but in the effort to save face, I’m just gonna roll with it. A Russian never admits failure. And then they decided to just turn their playbook on me, a woman with no connection to the government, yet admittedly had a brief stint in the Model UN club at my high school. I did make some killer international trade deals.

And then, they probably got their team of top secret evil scientists involved, because I am also concerned I may be pregnant with Russian nesting dolls. What the hell am I going to do with what…five Russian children? Of decreasing size, placed one inside the other? I mean, I get it that evil Russian scientists are a thing, so this was a great opportunity for them to shine, and they make great Bond villains, but I already have two children, so…no thanks.

One unforeseen benefit from this whole experience is that I have become skilled in the art of deception and ruthlessness like never before. Where I used to be timid, I now strong arm my way into conversations, like at work when I totally obliterate the terrible ideas that Tim always brings up, and just win argument after argument through sheer intimidation. So, a little bit of Russian sensibilities never hurt anyone, I suppose. Despite all that, this dude has still got to get out of my uterus.

What if they start intentionally hacking women’s IUDs, with the sole purpose of not only trolling us lady folks, but with the goal of creating a whole fleet of Russian allies, who will do their dirty work for them — infiltrating American communities with communistic agendas, sowing the seeds of allegiance to fascist dictators? Well, if I am any indicator, that plan will backfire, and they will create a fleet of nasty women who are indeed angry, but will use that fury in a concentrated way to crush our oppressors. Maybe they already did hack us all?

I’m going to speak to a specialist or something about getting an IUD with a firewall. Or maybe I can find a way to communicate back, and really mess with that hacker’s mind. If I find a way, I’ll make sure to tell them, “hell knows no wrath like women scorned by cramps. You will pay.” Wish me luck.

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store
Melissa Pelletier

Melissa Pelletier

Satire Writer.

More from Medium

I Vape, Therefore I Am

I Finally Figured out Fishing

Photo of author holding two large cods

I Drank Eight Beers a Day For a Year. Here Is What Happened