The School Psychiatrist Says My Son is Destined for Greatness and/or Prison
From the Desk of Don Alastair, School Psychiatrist
Dear Mrs. Phillips,
As I’m sure you already know, Bobby has been exhibiting rather antisocial, often aggressive and egomaniacal behavior in his first year at his new school. He’s been known to get in fights with the other students, invariably backing up his verbal attacks with violent behavior. I’ve come to the conclusion today, through comprehensive occupational testing, that he is fit only for public office or possibly prison.
This may come as a shock. I know, if I were in your shoes and I heard this news, I would be beside myself. But, as I’ve seen countless other students pass through these halls, I can say definitely that prison isn’t as bad as you’d think. They give you three meals a day. They give you time to exercise and fraternize. They give you a TV with cable and a mass public shower. Moreover, and most importantly, they will rehabilitate your son into a meaningful member of society.
It’s the very real possibility that Bobby goes into politics that you should be worried about.
Now, these standardized occupational tests aren’t always accurate. Take this result with a grain of salt. My own son, who passed through these hallowed halls fifteen years ago, got a similar result on the tests. I know firsthand about the sleepless nights of weeping, thinking that our son was destined for public office. The testing, in our case, was inaccurate. My wife and I were greatly relieved when our son took another course in life and became a serial rapist. We still have his picture up on the wall and we write to him every day. God, he’s made us so proud. My wife and I felt like we really dodged a bullet. Literally, because he shot at us once.
So, I write to you with a heavy heart, but not without hope and optimism. There’s still time. Everyone makes his or her own destiny. Just don’t let him watch C-Span and everything will turn out for the best.
Yours truly,
Don Alastair
School Psychiatrist
Donald J. Trump Jr. High
