The Haven
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The Haven

The Selfie Covfefe

The other day I was at a beach watching a shark watch people take selfies. Of themselves, yes. Thank you for understanding.

I thought I should scream. I screamed. Seemingly disturbed, the silent shark finally spoke: ‘Hey, what is your problem?’

‘You are a shark. You are going to attack them,’ I looked at the people .

‘Haven’t you heard? Sharks kill less people than selfies do,’ he whispered, grinning from teeth to teeth. ‘Im just waiting for them to die more naturally. Let the tide take them away while they click on their cell phones. I’m going to wait and watch this selfie covfefe and not waste energy attacking them,’ the shark yawned and said.

I was relieved. I sat with the shark and watched with curiosity as virus selfie took over the beach. We (the shark and I) finally listed the 5 major types of selfie looks.

Find out what’s your style, but keep an eye on the grinning shark that is watching you click yourself.

1. The Dunkirk look selfie

Image:Dunkirk by Christopher Nolan

The look is the unpretentious Dunkirk look: trauma and curiosity clouding the face, and the mouth feeling weird with the taste of sea water and oil. Your lips are parted and dry because you forgot to get your Maybelline Baby Lips Lip Balm to the sea.

It is essentially the ‘I-am-not-yet-ready-for-a-selfie’ selfie because your phone accidentally clicked before you were ready with your pout. You mutter an expletive under your breath and immediately work on your pout for the next selfie.

2. The Half-Pout Selfie

It’s exactly what the name says — a pout that stopped mid-way and couldn’t really complete itself. The reasons:
a. You are probably a procrastinator, and you wanted to complete the pout after a few days.
b. You are an innocent mollusc and did not know that your pout is an incomplete version of the full pout. This is because you were attending a free webinar on ‘Pout Like A Duck’, and midway through the session you were practicing the Duck Face when Whaam! Your internet snapped! Your how-to knowledge remained half-baked, and so did your pout.

Honestly, you need to hire a life coach who can teach you ‘57.5 Ways to Learn to Pout Completely.’

3. The Confused Eagle Look

You have just watched ‘Conjuring 2’ and are still reeling from the paranormal impact. Your eyes are rounded up to show flared eyeballs. The nose is pressed down and the head cocked to one side to look like an eagle that is not able to decide if it has really seen a rat down there or not, but you decide to smile anyway. You draw in your cheeks and show off the left one.

If anyone calls you a narcissist now, whack him and force him to watch Conjuring 2.

For those of you who cleared #1 and #2 above, aim for this look. It is the most coveted of all looks in Themiscyra.

4. The Resting Bitch Face

Attitude maketh the bitch face. Bring on Conjuring, bring on The Ring, bring on the Blair Witch Project, it is the ‘I-don’t-give-a-shit’ kind of selfie.

The Resting Bitch Face selfie. Except that when disturbed, the face is not a resting face anymore. It is more like the Woken Up Poltergeist face.

5. The Selfless selfie

Image:Author’s dad.

This is my dad’s kind of selfie. He clicks a selfie but he is strikingly not visible in it. In most cases, he is totally absent in the photo. Only if he is a little too generous about himself, he lets just a few strands of his hair stray in the selfie. These are selfless people, who click selfless selfies.

What is your kind of selfie?

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Sravani Saha

Sravani Saha

Author of ‘Yes, The Eggplant is A Chicken’ https://amzn.to/2Iym2ok Humorist, Satirist, Mom, Ex-Googler. Write to me at s.sravani@gmail.com

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