The Six Habits of Highly Ineffective People: What Our New Hire With No Experience Taught Us
Dear New Hire,
You’ve only been with us for a week, and you’ve already made a powerful impression. At your Monday welcome lunch, you showed real leadership (by ordering a double Old Fashioned)and impressive intellectual curiosity (by wondering aloud if there are any “hotties” in the office).
Later that afternoon, a manager gave you a presentation to format. When he asked about it a few hours later, you reminded him that he hadn’t provided a firm deadline but had only requested it “as soon as you can.” It’s a great reminder to all of us to communicate our expectations clearly.
You were two hours late on Tuesday because your girlfriend’s hamster was sick, and she was too upset to go to the vet alone. That shows empathy, which we fully support here. When we asked why you didn’t let us know, you explained that it was an emergency, and you were busy being present for her (and the hamster).
When you did get to the office, you leveraged your stressful morning into an important thought exercise by sending an office-wide email asking why the firm doesn’t offer paid leave to tend to pets with serious medical issues. Your ability to discern the extent of a hamster’s illness (most of us can only say with confidence whether it’s alive or dead)is another gift that will serve you well throughout your career.
Wednesday marked a real milestone in your professional journey. As you recall, the team had numerous comments on your first Excel spreadsheet project (“you might consider checking to make sure the numbers in the last row tally correctly;” “Is there a reason why every number in Row 28, Column DD is the same?” “Why aren’t the sheets named… what the hell am I looking at?”) That last one was from the senior manager who, quite frankly, was borderline confrontational in your interview. She ignored your repeated attempts to bring your whole self to the discussion by talking about your personal priorities (the Yankees, golf and your social media profile). Instead, she asked pointed questions about your undergraduate degree and your skills. Rest assured; we’ve already enrolled her in the supplemental training on sensitivity in the workplace.
Those comments would have crushed your typical twenty-something new hire with absolutely no experience, but you took them in stride. Instead of bursting into tears and crawling under your desk, you readily admitted that, when asked about Excel during the interview, you thought the term referred to “being really, really good at something.” You also clarified that while you didn’t actually major in business as you’d claimed, you identify as a business major. We applaud this kind of self-awareness and, now that we’ve all recognized a minor skills gap, we can move forward and help you realize your potential. As you so eloquently put it, “how hard can it be?”
We were all expecting an uneventful end to the week, but you still had everyone talking. On Thursday, we found you slumped over your desk after lunch. Someone from tech support grabbed the AED from the break room and dragged you to the floor to shock you back to life. But, before he could put his first-aid training to practical use, you sat up and vomited what looked like pieces of pepperoni pizza and a large volume of beer. Again, your willingness to speak candidly about the incident (you got shit-faced at lunch with your frat brothers)is so refreshing. Of course, it would have been nice if you’d stuck around to clean up the mess, but when you reminded us about your sensitive stomach (which was quite unnecessary; we recognize the importance of privacy when it comes to health matters), we were fine when you took the rest of the day off.
I think we can all agree that you peaked today. You’d put some time on the CFO’s calendar to “catch up.” Usually, the CFO’s administrative assistant can verify her appointments, but since you have the same name as the senior vice president of marketing, he missed this one. During the meeting, you invited yourself along to the next leadership retreat, so you could provide real-time feedback “from the trenches” on critical strategic decisions. Speaking of the trenches, you also reminded the CFO that, with a whole week under your belt, you think it’s time that you’re given a little more responsibility so you can start to build your brand. You shared that you feel underutilized, which makes you sad, which makes you not want to work hard. We hear you; we really do.
We also appreciate the fact that you didn’t let that tired custom of speaking to your direct supervisor first about any concerns get in the way of open and honest communication. Would Elon Musk “respect managerial norms?” Unlikely. The CFO was so impressed with your nerve (her word), that she asked her assistant to alert her if you ever come near her office again, so she can “prepare.”
You were about to leave the office at two-thirty today to jump-start your weekend, when one of your colleagues mentioned the tradition of an eight-hour workday. The two of you had a spirited discussion, during which you suggested that he “get a life,” and reminded him that “it’s just work.” These lively exchanges are critical to our high-performance culture.
In conclusion, we want to assure you that you’re well on your way to building your brand. As to your request to take a mental health day on Monday, we commend your commitment to self-care. We look forward to seeing you on Tuesday (and, hopefully, that formatted presentation), barring any rodent health scares, hangovers or other pressing personal matters.
Sincerely,
Your supervisor
