The Song Analyzer

Dear Mr. Foster,

Thank you for your recent demo tape submission to the International Song Analyzer Database. Here at ISAD we use our futuristic computer thing to analyze whether or not a song will be popular enough to make a buttload of money. We used our sophisticated program developed by someone at a city college to measure attributes attributed to popular music that may or may not be found in attributed attributes in popular music to analyze your submission for popular music attributes that are popular in popular music nowadays.

Good news! Our database found that your song, “The Cactus Boy”, has a high probability of making money on the mainstream music circuit.

Our program also analyzes lyrics to determine if they will be well received by audiences who listen to and enjoy popular music. There are algorithms involved that are protected by lawyers and red tape so don’t ask how they work. We just can’t say.

Unfortunately, we found several passages that were deemed unsuitable and quite confusing. We ask you to reply with explanations and possible changes to the following:

• In the opening line you use the words: “Trout, Trout, Trout, what’s it all about?” but fail to explain exactly what it is all about. There is no further mention of “Trout” and this is confusing.
• Halfway through the pre-chorus, after humming at random intervals, you say: “A big tiger lives inside our minds. Oh no the tiger bit me and I’m now a haunted snake!” We were wondering if you could make the snake not haunted. A tiger that lives inside your mind is scary enough and the general public may be alarmed by a possessed reptile.
• The first half of the chorus where you sing: “Oh glorious rainbow, you’re a spicy potato” is very nice and the cadence is quite catchy. However, you follow up this line with: “Danke, Danke, Danke for this creamy soup of eagles.” As you remember, two animals have already been mentioned in this song (tiger, snake). Please limit animal usage to only two.
• After an instrumental solo there is a two second pause which follows with these words: “You think you know, well you don’t, no I don’t, does he know that you don’t know he doesn’t know about the AWKWARD ALLEY CAT that hunts at dawn.” This is good. Very good. Please include more of this.
• 14 minutes into the song you use the lyrics: “Bad emotions, good emotions, will you eat this dairy pie?” Can we make the pie dairy-free? This may cause an allergic reaction among those listeners who have an intolerance.
• Lastly, the song closes out with what sounds like a washing machine full of bricks and the words: “You know Don Rickles who is definitely still living?” Sadly, Don Rickles has been dead for a while and you should change this line to: “You know Cat Stevens who is definitely Cat Stevens?” He’s making quite the comeback and the millenials will love this line.

At this time we at ISAD requests no other changes. we’ve locked your demo tape in our security vault to ward off any attempts at corporate espionage and cashed your submission fee check for $687. Once you make updates to the lyrics, please re-submit your recording so we can get a better singer to dub over your voice as it’s quite nasally and droning.

You might want to get that checked out.